Utterly Brilliant Thoughts: 03.2007
Taking Today Off

I've made the executive decision to take the rest of the day off. Since today is my first official day of unemployment, this basically means that I am boycotting the whole unpacking / organizing / cleaning thing. Damn it, I have been awake since 3 o'clock this morning with tooth (or, more accurately, lack-of-tooth) pain & I should get some kind of compensation, shouldn't I? However, it has been several months since I have had any time to sit around like third base and I'm not really sure what to do. Oh, I know!

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #7
(Someday I'll actually do this on a Sunday.)

  • Your Weekend: busy
  • Smelling: shampoo
  • Annoyed By: everything
  • Your Face: clean
  • Your Pants: comfy
  • Something You Want To Create: order
  • A Favorite Old Movie Star: Grace
  • Not Looking Forward To: employment
  • Hearing: meow
  • You Wish You Could: sing
  • Last Thing You Cooked: chicken
  • Your Breakfast: none
  • Your Driving Record: nonexistent
  • Last Illness: bronchial
  • Want To Be: relaxed
  • Mind Keeps Wandering To: responsibilities
  • You Despise: ignorance
  • Unprepared For: anything
  • Favorite Part Of Spring: warmth
  • Your Toenails: red
  • Proud Of Your: marriage
  • Not Proud Of Your: fear
  • How You Decompress: reading
  • Your Kitchen Table: antique
  • Something You Want to Accomplish Today: repair

Oh hell. I just remembered that I still have to complete our taxes. So much for relaxing. Now which box do you think the tax file could be in?

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March Madness

That whole Mercury retrograde thing is over and yet my life is still a bizarre, twisted little mess. Here are just a few of the things that have happened to me this week:

  • Spent FIVE HOURS of my life with the Dish Network (oh yeah, I'm naming names) installation tech. That's after he showed up THREE hours after his latest scheduled arrival time. Did I mention that the dish itself was already in place, as was all of the wiring into the house? He just had to drill a few holes (which he did, one in the middle of my bedroom wall) & format the receivers (which he did not, at least not correctly, which led to not one but two phone calls to tech support and customer service, neither one of which was the least helpful but did serve to waste another hour of my time).
  • Spent innumerable hours on the phone with Verizon. Yeah, I'm naming names there too, but only because I've had excellent customer service from them. True, my landline still isn't functioning correctly, and no one seems to know why, but at least they show up on time and at least appear to be making an effort to rectify the situation. My expectations are very, very low.
  • Woke up on Saturday morning to discover that the discarded moving boxes on our front porch had been rearranged. Nothing appeared to have been taken (if only), just . . . stacked & reorganized much more neatly. Either I am so compulsively tidy that I did this in my sleep, or one of our neighbors is absurdly obsessive-compulsive. And if that's the case, I so want to make friends with him / her.
  • Fell out of love with IKEA. I am now the proud owner of, among other things, two stainless steel towel bars that will safely hold the weight of a powder puff. A small one. Maybe. However, I am considering renting out my husband to IKEA-devotees. The man has a gift for putting together IKEA merchandise in 15 minutes or less. And he only spews obscenities for the first 10 minutes or so.
  • Went to Benihana, where our hibachi chef's name was (I swear to God) Bob. The whitest man in the whole place. Maybe in the whole state. It was rather like watching Bob Dole grill burgers. Not what you might call entertaining. Is it reverse racism to ask for an Asian chef?
  • Had a door fall on my foot.
  • Cut my leg on the edge of an unframed mirror.
  • Smacked my head on the stone mantle above the fireplace.
  • And then, the coup de grâce. Last night, I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom & apparently passed out or fell back asleep or just exhibited my usual lack of grace & started to fall as I was walking in the room. Luckily I caught myself. With my tooth. On the marble ledge by the bathtub. Ow. So now I have an emergency appointment with my brand-new, chosen-from-the-internet-with-no-prior-recommendation-whatsoever-but-whose-office-is-open-at-eight-in-the-morning dentist.

This is getting ridiculous. And to top it all off, the boxes seem to be multiplying whenever I leave the room. The house is no where near completely unpacked & / or organized. Unless you count the linen closet, which is IMMACULATE. Of course, I do have the rest of the day. You know, except for when I have to go to the dentist. And if I don't lose a finger in a freak picture-hanging accident or something.

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Remind me why I was so excited about moving. We are officially moved into our new house & I am surrounded by seemingly insurmountable chaos. Boxes everywhere. Only some of them are actually labeled. Even less are labeled with information that makes any sense or has any relation to the contents actually found therein. We had to brush our teeth with Listerine on Sunday (the toothpaste was eventually found in a box labeled "office supplies") and I couldn't find my underwear (in the "sleepwear" box) until Monday. And the best part is, I have imposed upon myself a completely arbitrary & utterly unrealistic deadline to have everything unpacked & our new house in perfect order within one week. Why?, you ask. Well, clearly I am a total idiot.

But I am an idiot that will have a clean, well-organized house within a week.

Or I will crack from the pressure and Chris will come home to find me hiding under the dining room table, clutching a box cutter and weeping over our lack of adequate storage space.

In case you're wondering, no, I haven't found my mind yet. It must be in one of those unmarked boxes.

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Four Days Left!

I'm training my replacement at the office this week. Fortunately, she's not a complete idiot (a ringing endorsement, no?), but the process is very difficult for me. I am more of a "just get out of my way & let me do it, God, why do I have to keep explaining things to you?" kind of person. Plus this whole training thing has taken up all the free time I have at work, which makes it nearly impossible to blog. Not that I would ever blog at work. Of course. But if I did, I would have time to tell you all about my mom getting lost in Pittsburgh for two hours, in spite of various sailors and construction workers attempting to send her in the right direction. And then she spent another two hours cleaning my louver doors with a Q-tip. And she's still speaking to me. My mom rocks. But since I should be packing, I will have to content myself with this:

One-Word Sarcomical Sunday # 6
(Only One Day Late!)

  • Your Mood: frenzied
  • What You're Craving: chocolate
  • Your Favorite Day of the Week: Friday
  • Your Mind: shredded
  • Something that Cheers You Up: Chris
  • Something that Depresses You: loss
  • Where Your Keys Rest at Night: somewhere
  • A TV Gameshow You Secretly Get Into: none
  • The Way You Like Your Eggs: omelette
  • Your Hair: curly
  • The Last Thing You Ordered Online: curtains
  • The Messiest Room In Your Home Right Now: all
  • Your Least Favorite Month: January
  • The Worst Fashion Fad You Participated In: blond
  • How Many Times In the Night You Get Up To Pee (on average): one
  • Your Journey: meandering
  • A Sound that Makes You Happy: purring
  • Your First Date: amazing
  • Something You Wish You Did More Often: exercise
  • Something You Admire: fearlessness
  • The First Place You Go When You Get Home: mail
  • What You're Going to Do Now: pack

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Of All the Things I've Lost

I miss my mind the most.

I just wandered around my house for, literally, ten minutes, tossing things aside & tearing through boxes, until I finally just stopped in the middle of the upstairs hallway & said - out loud, even though no one else was there, not even the cats - "For the love of God, where in the hell did I pack the . . . ponytail . . . holder . . . thingies . . .". Because not only could I not find a ponytail holder thing, I couldn't even think of what they are actually called. Elastics? Hairbands? Whatever. Either I am in the beginning stages of early-onset Alzheimer's, or I have so much crap going on, I can't even string two coherent words together.* Which is a perfect segue into . . .

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #5
(Only Five Days Late)

  • Your Current Footwear: pink
  • Something You're Doing Later: packing
  • Something You Wish You Could Do Right Now: unpack
  • Your Age At the Time Of Your First Kiss: ?
  • Your Feelings About Global Warming: worried
  • A Sport You Wish Would Never Be Shown On Television: fishing
  • Something On Your Desk that Shouldn't Be: piles
  • A Word To Describe The Current State of Your Sex Life: hopeful
  • How the Sky Looks Right Now: dark
  • Which of Snow White's 7 Dwarfs You'd Be: Grumpy
  • Your Preferred Birthday Cake: pie
  • A Magazine You Subscribe To: none
  • Number of Piercings You Have: two
  • Your Favorite Delivery/Takeout Item: Chinese
  • A Game You Hate to Play: cards
  • The Name of Your First Real-Life Crush: John
  • The Hand You Write With: right
  • The Hand You Wear Watches On: left
  • Your Clothes Closet: trashed
  • The Side of the Bed You Sleep On (from the on-the-bed perspective): left
  • A Flavor You Love: cheesy
  • Your Car: beast
  • The Last Thing You Misplaced: mind
  • Your High School Mascot: Spartan
  • Your Wasted Talent: talent?

* Did I tell you that I cut off all of my hair? Because I did. Chopped it all off way back in January, the same day that I got a call from Jack, telling me "Hey, remember how you thought your house was going to sell? Yeah, not so much." So now it's at about chin length. Which is not exactly long enough for even the most pathetic ponytail. Which did not stop me from searching for a holder (elastic? band?) for ten minutes. Perhaps my mind has been packed already & I will discover it after we move.

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Forget the Beer, It's Time for Bourbon
Inspired by Stacy (why didn't someone tell me about the wonder & joy that is Jurgen Nation?) & the utter chaos that is my life right now, I've decided to share the most wonderful thing in the world* with you: my recipe for Bourbon Slush. You're welcome.

Bourbon Slush

2 cups of freshly brewed, strong tea
1 (6 ounce) can frozen orange juice concentrate
1 (12 ounce) can frozen lemonade concentrate
1 .5 cups white sugar
7 cups water
3-ish cups bourbon whiskey (3 cups, 5 cups, who's counting?)
grenadine or maraschino cherry juice, to taste

In a large, freezer-safe container, mix together the tea, juice & lemonade concentrates, sugar, water & whiskey. Freeze.

(This is the hard part. It will take at least 24 hours to freeze. And if you are like me, you have absolutely no patience & will not want to wait an entire day for your slush. (You lush.) I have learned two things. One: it is wise to always have slush made so you never have to wait. Two: if for some reason you find yourself sans slush because of all the things going on in your life that are requiring you to drink copious amounts of bourbon in the first place, it helps to distract yourself with chocolate or George Clooney or something equally delicious.)

Once the mixture is frozen, use a metal spoon to break up the block o' bourbon into slush. Some people would advise you to wait 10 minutes or so to allow it to thaw a bit. These people obviously have more patience than I do because hello! I've already waited at least 24 hours, I'm not made of stone! Besides, I think of that little bit of extra effort as exercise, which I'm sure we could all use considering the massive amounts of bourbon we are about to consume. So anyway, then fill your glass about three-quarters of the way with slush, add grenadine to taste & top with 7-Up. Garnish with a cherry. Voilà! Welcome to Bourbon Heaven!

*Except for maybe Chocolate Therapy. And sleep. And food you neither have to cook or unwrap. And sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. And never having to paint ever, ever again. So, okay, maybe Bourbon Slush isn't THE most wonderful thing (and, to be fair, those other things may just be my own personal cravings), but it' s pretty damn good. Now, do I distract myself with truffles or The Clooney?

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Constructive Use of Time

Because with just thirteen days (THIRTEEN DAYS!!!) left until The Move, I have nothing better to do than uncover my VisualDNA. Focus, Shawn. FOCUS. (Thanks, Missy!)


This Never Happens on the T

Love the middle-aged white woman getting her groove on in the background.