Hola, Detroit!

Or:My Latent Criminal Tendency Rears Its Ugly Head in Motown

When we first arrived at Comerica Park on Saturday, Chris was accosted by an overly enthusiastic little man who wanted him to enter a contest to win free insulation, of all things. For some unknown reason, rather than simply walking away like a normal person*, Chris filled out the card with bogus information, including a new name: Sanchez. When Chris informed me of our name change, I immediately decided that I wanted to change my name to Isabella to match my new last name. After much contemplation & discussion, we decided that, since I am the quintessential white girl, my new, WASP-appropriate name would be Daisy Vanderhoofen Sanchez. Did I mention that the game was delayed a bit due to the rain? Rain delay = way too much free time for Chris & Shawn, obviously. I can't even claim drunkenness, although it is possible I was strung out on hot chocolate.

So anyway, about an hour later, for reasons that have since become unclear, but that I believe had something to do with a free Detroit Tigers t-shirt (approximate value: $10, max), I completed a Detroit Tigers credit card application. Since I didn't want the request to impact my credit score & I have absolutely no need or desire for another credit card (or another t-shirt, for that matter, but that's hardly the point), I decided to use my new "identity". Unfortunately, I screwed up immediately by using my old alias instead of my new & improved one. The suspicious bimbo accepting the applications was distinctly skeptical that the pale-to-the-point-of-translucency green-eyed redhead in front of her was named Isabella Sanchez (that's some form of reverse racism or something, I just can't put my finger on it) and proceeded to QUIZ me on the information in the application. The nerve! But guess what? I PASSED!! That's right, I remembered my fake name, address, ZIP code, birthday and Social Security number! Ha! Take that, distrustful Visa lady! I have trouble remembering my own cell phone number, but I can remember made-up details about my Hispanic alter ego. The brain works in mysterious ways. Regardless, this is incontrovertible proof that I still have a few working brain cells left. So, yay, me! Chris has taken great pleasure in calling me a felon, but I'll be willing to bet that won't stop him from wearing his free shirt. Crime does pay!

The next day, we checked out "GM World" on the first level of the Renaissance Center Marriott. (Seriously, the car manufacturers own EVERYthing in Detroit. Public transportation is an urban legend there.) When we got downstairs, we were greeted by a sign that expressly forbid us to eat or drink in GM World. Emboldened by my newly successful foray into the criminal world, I thought, "like they're going to kick us out for having Starbucks" & convinced Chris to ignore the sign. So we played with a 'Vette that cost more than our house, and a sexy-as-hell Solstice convertible, and an H3 that totally made me understand why people buy Hummers. We merrily toasted the security guard with our beverages and mockingly took this photo:

And then, literally 1 minute later, this one:

Divine retribution? Perhaps. All I'm going to say is that I wasn't the one who spilled it. In any case, I am taking this as a warning and my short criminal career is officially over. I'm sure the law enforcement community is very grateful.


* It has occurred to me that this is a "people in glass houses . . ." situation.

Thank God for the Three Day Weekend!

At about 11 am today, I found out that one of today's advertising deadlines was moved up to YESTERDAY. Um, yeah, see, I left my psychic powers at home AGAIN, so I didn't actually know about this, and I forgot my time-reversal powers as well, so just how in the hell am I supposed to submit these pages?? Our rep grudgingly said I could submit them today (I would probably feel a bit more grateful if it hadn't been her responsibility to tell me about the change in the first place) , but it had to be done by noon, when I originally had until 11:59pm tonight. No one was allowed to talk to me this morning.

Then the MLS spontaneously & mysteriously shut down for the afternoon. Which was right about the time that a client called & told me he wanted to buy one of our listings and was willing to pay full price and where should he bring the money? As much as I would enjoy just looking at $75,000 in cash, I had to explain to him that there were a few legalities that needed to be observed, such as, oh, I don't know, executing a purchase agreement, and even then he was absolutely, positively, not going to bring $75,000 in cash to my office in a brown paper bag. And did I mention that he calls himself Sir Richard?

We have another showing on our house tomorrow, FINALLY. After 2 full months with no pending sales in our area & price range, hopefully this is a sign that the real estate market moving again. And I just cleaned the house on Wednesday, so I don't have to rush home & clean like my life depends on it. Which, in a sad & twisted way, I guess it does. Although since the basic cleaning has been done, it leaves me free to focus on the Really Important cleaning jobs like vacuuming the basement & organizing the linen cabinet. Sure, because most people base their homebuying decisions on things like basement cleanliness & cabinet orderliness.

After the showing, we're off to Detroit. Yes, you read that correctly, I said Detroit. Don't be jealous. I'll let you know if it's as fabulous as everyone says it is . . .

Edited to add: Comerica Park was amazing & the Zoo was one of the nicest we've visited. I might not want to live there (don't be offended, I don't want to live here either), but it definitely didn't seem to be the crime-infested cesspool that many had led me to expect. And I'm refering to Detroit residents! Might be time to take another look.

Ill-Mannered

Uneventful weekend in the big, bad 'Burgh. Our friends Jeff & Jen were married in Vegas in June & had a party / picnic to celebrate on Saturday. Aside from being asked approximately 9,345 times when we were going to start having children, it was a nice time. In case you're wondering, some people were asking before we were even married, and the frequency of the question has only increased since our wedding. I wouldn't mind so much except for the fact that the same people keep asking us, & I keep giving them the same answer: I don't have health insurance & we have no desire to pay for the medical bills related to pregnancy & delivery until the child is 20. And I'm sort of mystified why you would keep asking the question when you know the situation is the same. I'm also mystified at how virtual strangers can comfortably ask me such a personal question. What if we had fertility issues or just didn't want children? How is that anyone else's business and honestly, why do you even care? I've noticed that it's almost always the married-with-children set that badger us about this. Shouldn't they, of all people, know better? Are we not money-, sleep- & time-deprived enough for them? (Oh, but we are! Truly!) New answer: "We're having a delightful time practicing, thank you for asking." I'll let you know how that goes.

And then there was the zoo. After a Sunday at the zoo, any sane person would seriously reconsider having children. Spending that much up-close-&-personal time with The World at Large makes we want to weep for society, and I'm not even going to discuss the oh my head horrible outfits people will wear in public, no one wants to see that much of your ass or your tummy pudge, and hello, people? Please? Thank you? Excuse me? Do any of these phrases sound familiar, because I swear to you, I did not hear anyone outside of our little group use any of them. I'm also not going to discuss how so many parents seem to think that manners & discipline are unnecessary concepts in child rearing. I actually heard one mother force her husband to apologize to their toddler for "getting angry" because she kept running away from them. The mind boggles.

Weekend Ramblings

To celebrate Chris' birthday & continue his mini-tour of MLB ballparks, we went to the Indians game on Friday. Although PNC Park is still my favorite, Jacobs Field was nice too, & they had fabulous fireworks after the game. I did not enjoy the ridiculous amounts of traffic on 480. Oh, and could someone please explain to me why exit 23 comes between exits 26 & 30? The game itself was fairly uneventful until Choo (whose first name is unfortunately not Jimmy & can you believe my husband has never heard of Jimmy Choo shoes?) hit a homerun in the 6th inning. Then it went right back to being uneventful. As a result, we were able to take a stalker-worthy amount of photos of Seattle's Ichiro Suzuki. I was hoping that the Jake would have some kind of food that's unique to Cleveland, like Pittsburgh has Primanti's, but it was the same old stuff. Although they did have sushi. Does anyone eat sushi at a ball game? No one in Cleveland, I can tell you that much. They had one poor guy working at the sushi stand & I swear he was asleep.

On Saturday, I went shopping while Chris went to take some photos for work. (Mary, I found your Christmas present! That doesn't mean that it won't be sent in January, but I should at least get points for buying it early!) Later, we wandered through a classic car show. I don't want to offend anyone, but 1988 Iroc Z28 is not, I repeat NOT, a classic car. Not even if you wear your best acid wash jeans & listen to Whitesnake when you drive it.

Sunday afternoon, we went to the farmer's market to buy healthy stuff & eat crap. Somehow I think that buying fresh fruits & vegetables compensates for eating something greasy & fattening. Then I washed BOTH cars (I know! I should get an award or something!) and did yard work. I hate yard work. I swear I'm allergic to it. Every time I do yard work, I end up with some kind of rash. Literally. But Chris made wonderful pulled pork / BBQ burgers (I love me some Sweet Baby Ray!) for dinner, and I had ice cream afterwards, so all in all, a good day. Plus, so far, no rash!

No prospects from the showing, by the way. The buyer was unavailable, so the Realtor came to preview the property for him. After going through the entire house & telling me all the things her client would love about it, she ended with: "I can tell you now that the shared driveway will be an issue with him. The last house we went to with a shared driveway, he wouldn't even get out of the car." While we do have a shared driveway, it also has two additional points of ingress/egress from the back of the property. However, I understand that everyone has their "non-negotiables". What I don't understand is why, as a Realtor, you would bother to show a client a property that you already know they are not going to consider. The MLS listing clearly indicates that it has a shared driveway. Grrrrrr.

Currently reading: August issue of O, The Oprah Magazine & The Burning of Bridget Cleary by Angela Bourke

Currently listening to: Al Green's Greatest Hits

O Canada

Want to know what Chris & I did on our summer vacation??? Oh, come on, you know you do. We / I

• passed miles & miles of vineyards, & not much else, from Pennsylvania through Ontario.
• bought liquor & champagne at the duty free shop.
• got yelled at by Canadian Customs for being on my cell phone.
• received a complimentary upgrade to the Sheraton Centre Toronto Club Level after telling the concierge our pathetic honeymoon story.
• had serious doubts that our Indian cab driver’s name was “Morris Applebaum”, as it read on his license.
• ate what are certainly the World’s Best Hot Dogs from various carts around the city.
• celebrated our 1st Canada Day with several thousand enthusiastic Blue Jays fans at the Sky Dome.
• refused to go up 1,465 feet in CN Tower, not because I have a fear of heights but because I have a fear of elevators on bungy cords. Seriously, the elevator should not bounce.
• admired Chris' photos from 1,465 feet up because he is not a great big baby with no faith in Canadian engineering.
• was able to give someone directions - in French! And I probably only got them a little bit lost.
• touched the Stanley Cup & made a wish for it to come back to Pittsburgh.
• soaked up the beachy goodness at Kew Beach.
• bought a copper feather from an American Indian at Woodbine Beach.
• had astonishingly bad service & what can only be described as "chicken briquets" at Scratch Danial off the boardwalk.
• on the streetcar, wondered why someone didn't explain to the 20-something tartlet behind us that one ought not wear a regular bra with a backless shirt.
• watched Asian tourists take photos of themselves in Chinatown.
• saw a whole roasted goose hanging from its neck in a Chinatown window, next to a whole squid, a roasted pig's head & some unrecognizable squiggly things.
• drove around Parliament (Big Ben! Parliament!), trying to find a way in.
• saw a man playing the bagpipes outside Prada.
• went to Tiffany, where I exercised the utmost in self control & didn't max out my credit cards.
• visited Casa Loma, a turn of the century castle just outside downtown Toronto.
• spilled condiments on virtually every garment I brought with me (see: The World's Best Hot Dogs, above.).
• shared the hotel with way too many Tolkien fans wearing chain mail, Renaissance dress & hobbit costumes due to the Gathering of the Fellowship Convention.
• forgot that it would be quite breezy on the lake & shivered through dinner on the patio at Il Fornello.
• bought Cuban cigars.
• wondered what the big deal is with Tim Horton's.
• ate my weight in pineapple, brie, croissants & the Best Turkey Ever for breakfast every day at the Club Lounge on 43rd.
• collected a dozen ginormous beach rocks for no discernible purpose.
• found out I am completely unable to skip rocks across water.
• searched for Altoids, which apparently are not sold in Canada.
• walked and walked and walked, & lost not an ounce of weight (see: brie & croissants, above).
• discovered “ice wine” & had a wine tasting at Magnotta Winery.
• drank pink (!) water from the McDonald’s in Beamsville, Ontario with no apparent ill-effects afterwards.
• ooohed & aaahed with all of the other tourists at Niagara Falls.
• spent a ridiculous amount of time at US Customs with a woman who thought she was Dirty Harry.
• discovered that there isn't anywhere to eat between Buffalo, New York & Erie, Pennsylvania, no matter how hungry you are.
• received a call that a tornado had been spotted on Rt. 80 in Ohio - while we were heading down Rt. 80.
• realized that far from missing us while we were gone, our cats did not seem to realize or care that we'd been away.

Next up is a mini-trip to Pittsburgh for a family wedding, then to Cleveland to continue Chris' tour of MLB ballparks. I know you're jealous. Breathtaking details will follow!