Utterly Brilliant Thoughts: 01.2007
  • When are we going to close when are we going to close when are we going to close . . .

  • We SHOULD HAVE closed last week, except for the Twin Asshats, also known as Jack "oops, I forgot all about you & did absolutely nothing with this file for the past month" Loan Officer & Jill (also not her real name), the Incompetent Appraiser.

  • If Jill does not sign off on the (spurious) conditions she placed on the loan & which resulted in Chris & I spending last Saturday outside in the cold & snow, replacing the (perfectly good) ceiling on our patio (lest an errant child climb up there & ingest paint chips that have a .0001% chance of being toxic anyway), I will kill her myself.

  • Holy run-on sentence, Batman. And when did I become addicted to parentheses?

  • We will be spending every single cent we have in savings within the next few weeks, and will still need to sell a kidney, or one of my co-workers, on eBay to get this mess wrapped up.

  • Wouldn't it be nice if I could sell one of my co-workers on eBay? Talk about a win-win.

  • Even though we will have no money & I will not be able to buy anything pretty, or sparkly, or really anything at all (not even shoes!) for quite a long time, I will be happy to hand over every single cent we have just to be done with this already. Perhaps I have mentioned this once or twice or 500 times already.

  • Probably I shouldn't buy anymore shoes any way.

  • Four dozen pairs of shoes doesn't seem like a lot until you have to move them.

  • It's amazing what you decide you can live without when you are faced with the prospect of moving it.

  • Why did I buy a donut maker? Did I forget about the sheer heaven known as Krispy Kreme, the gloriousness of which I could never hope to duplicate? More importantly, how am I going to convince someone in my family to take the donut maker? Because I know that I won't be able to just throw it away (it's practically brand-new!) & yet it seems rather silly to move it (not like I'm going to use it in the new place either).

  • Maybe I can wrap it up & regift it for someone's birthday. Then they have to take it. Hey, Anthony, act surprised when you unwrap your new donut maker!

  • Speaking of surprises . . . our accountant (AKA my boss' wife, who does not in any way, shape or form have any kind of formal training in this area, or even the slightest bit of aptitude for this type of work but also doesn't charge by the hour the way the real accountant does) screwed up the amount of taxes withheld last year, which means that not only will I not be getting that little bit of extra money from the IRS (which, you may have guessed, we are in desperate need of right about now), but will actually OWE money. Perfect.

  • I think I need a Mental Health Day. (No comments please re: how it is quite obviously too late for that.)

  • I can't wait 'til I don't have to put up with my boss' inappropriate comments any more. Case in point: on Friday, he referred to the snowy conditions as "baby-making weather" & continued that there would be a lot of "pokin' going on" that night. No, I am not joking. Trust me when I tell you that my sense of humor is much more advanced than that. Please note that this is nowhere near the most inappropriate thing he has said to me. I believe that honor would go to the time he told me that he didn't like my tone (the phrase "little missy" implied but not actually spoken) & that (here's the good part, are you ready?) I needed to be spanked. !!!!!!!! Believe me, "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to cover it.

  • Let's not think about it anymore & instead look at the pretty snow . . .

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What About X?
Thank GOD! A meme! A blissful break from real estate hell! Thanks to Nicole for this one. Edited to add: what does it say about me that I noticed immediately that the "X" is missing & that I'm tremendously disturbed by this fact? That I need therapy? Well, that's not exactly a revelation, is it?

  • A - Available or married? Married. To Chris, the Best Husband in the World.
  • B - Best Friend? Chris, Mary, my mom.
  • C - Cake or Pie? Pie. Specifically apple, peach or pumpkin.
  • D - Drink of Choice? The three Ms: margaritas, mimosas & mojitos. Sans alcohol, I prefer tea (hot or iced) & water.
  • E - Essential Item? Manicures, mascara & lip gloss.
  • F - Favorite Color? I don't have one.
  • G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Neither would be my candy of choice.
  • H - Hometown? Suburban Ohio.
  • I - Indulgence? Coach, Tiffany, shoes, sleeping late.
  • J - January or February? Neither. I do not enjoy winter. (Understatement!)
  • K - Kids & names? None.
  • L - Life is incomplete without? Family & friends. And cats.
  • M - Marriage Date? October 22.
  • N - Number of Siblings? None.
  • O - Oranges or apples? Both, & virtually any other kind of fruit too.
  • P - Phobias/Fears? Driving.
  • Q - Favorite Quote? From A. P. Herbert: The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
  • R - Reason to Smile? I have so many!
  • S - Season? Spring.
  • T - Tag three people! Mary, Melissa, Teacher Lady. And I'll add an extra too - my new friend Kimmy.
  • U - Unknown fact about me: I've been watching the American Idol auditions for the past two weeks. And making Chris watch too. I am so ashamed. If this continues, I hope my friends stage an intervention.
  • V - Vegetable you hate? Lima beans, yuck!
  • W - Worst habit? Worrying.
  • Y - Your favorite food? Italian, Chinese, crabcakes, gelato, Belgian waffles & bacon, the truffles Mary sent to Chris (Oh. my. God. Luscious!), Krispy Kreme original glazed, pizza from Mario's, the Asagio cheese dip from Rock Bottom, lobster bisque from Oscar's, Primanti's cheesesteak . . . can you tell I haven't had anything to eat yet today?
  • Z - Zodiac? Virgo. But I'm not a perfectionist or anything.

Seriously, what happened to the X???

Edited (again) to add: Thank you, Nicole, for humoring me!

  • X - X-rays you've had? X-rated videos of you anywhere? Aside from dental, I don't remember having any x-rays taken. I did have an MRI once, so I have concrete proof that there is a brain inside my head & it seems to be functioning properly for the most part. As for the latter: No! And: Ew!


Aren't these baby pandas just about the cutest things ever?

And more importantly, where do I get one?

EDITED TO ADD: Yeah, I think the Xanax finally kicked in.


Pharmaceuticals Required
Poppy & Daffodil cancelled today's appointment too. I think Poppy has some issues.

Their new loan rep, who is quite honestly on his way to becoming one of My Favorite People in the World, told them that I may kill them if they don't get their shit together (he may have phrased it a bit differently), so supposedly Daffodil is dropping off the documentation needed to process their app by the end of the day.

Xanax, anyone?


More Waiting . . .

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

The buyers (whom I have decided to call Poppy & Daffodil for reasons that would make sense to no one but me, but that I find infinitely amusing) were supposed to meet with their new financing rep on Monday. They called an hour before their appointment to cancel & insisted that they couldn't reschedule until today, Wednesday. Which is fine. 'Cause, you know, it's not like I'm dying a little bit inside as I wait to find out if the light at the end of the tunnel has been completely extinguished. Take your time! No rush! At this point, I'm pretty much used to insomnia, hives, heartburn & the complete deterioration of my stomach lining.

Somehow, I think Poppy & Daffodil are impervious to sarcasm, just as they reject nebulous concepts such as contract deadlines.

On a more serious note, I just want to clarify something. I know that, in the overall scheme of things, this is not The Worst Thing Ever. Believe me, I know. I had a brief but nightmarish & soul-sucking first marriage. My independent, amazing grandmother died after an agonizing battle with ALS. I was there when my brilliant & talented 25-year-old cousin succumbed to Hodgkin's disease. So, trust me, I have an acute awareness of what's really important. And if this is the worst thing that Chris & I face in our life together, we will be damn lucky. That said, right now the sale of our house is all that is standing between us & our future. Once it sells, I never have to speak to my ex-husband, or his incompetent attorney, again. I can find a job I love (or at least don't hate) that rewards me for my enthusiasm, knowledge & skills &, hey, maybe even offers medical insurance so I don't go into a deep panic every time either of us has the slightest ailment. Chris can experience the joys of a 20-minute commute & forget all about spending in excess of 60 hours per month just driving to & from his office. Not to mention saving the equivalent of the GNP of Burundi on gas. Plus we will be within 20 miles of IKEA and Sephora and Coach. (Not that I will have any money to shop, but that's hardly the point.)

And if that doesn't give you some indication of the Importance of this, nothing will.


Oh, Lord, ya'll. I don't even know where to start.

In a nutshell: there are some issues impeding the sale of our house. They're not especially large issues, but they are prickly. Without going into details which no one really wants to hear &, frankly, I don't feel like rehashing, the buyers were misled by their mortgage rep. (Let's call him Jack. I don't feel like typing out "Jackass" every time.) The problem isn't the buyers' ability to obtain financing or anything of that nature, just that the program that Jack recommended to them was ill-advised. Another problem is Jack should have known about these issues & addressed them weeks ago, but somehow forgot all about the file until I called to check in with him on Thursday morning. We went from "Yes, everything's fine, we should close on time. In fact, you reminded me that I need to call the buyers to get some paperwork from them" to "Um, yeah, remember how I said that everything was fine? What I meant was, I have some new hoops for you & the buyers to jump through" a few hours later. And by Friday afternoon, after I spent the rest of Thursday & all of Friday on the phone, trying desperately to fix this, he had pretty much decided that those hoops were now going to be 50 feet off the ground & on fire.


Not sure exactly what is going to happen now. We spent the majority of the weekend packing & are going to assume that somehow, someway this will work out & this is just a bump in the (already pretty damn bumpy) road. I'm not sure what we are supposed to be learning from this latest serving of stress & frustration, but I will say that I am no longer concerned with the amount of money we have to take to closing. I will gladly hand over every single cent we have in savings just for this to end and for our lives to move forward. I believe this is what's known as "perspective". Also known as "nothing like life biting you in the ass for you to realize what's really important".


Oh No
It has just occurred to me that some time in the not-too-distant future, I will probably be looking for a new job. It also occurred to me that my new job will presumably not enable me to spend an hour or so every day catching up on my 30+ favorite blogs & browsing etsy.

Hold me.

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The 2007 Golden Globes
Or, How I Avoided Actual Work For the 8th Consecutive Day

I could pretend that I packed whole rooms full of crap, whipped my house into some semblance of order & generally accomplished Something of Vague Importance last night, but what would be the point? I'm sure you would guess that there's no way in Hell that happened. Instead, I watched the Golden Globes, because hello! George Clooney was a presenter! Surely you don't think I could miss that. Well, okay, he was like the first presenter, so technically I could have turned it off at that point & cleaned or something similarly unappealing, but . . . um, yeah. I didn't. How could I turn off the train wreck that the GG always promises to be? As it turned out, I thought Hugh Laurie was quite amusing, Maria Menounos was painfully awkward & Reese Witherspoon was gorgeous, although I wasn't 100% in love with her dress. At least it wasn't as horrifying as the pink nightmare that the poor misguided actress from Babel wore. Did she throw it together with bath poofs from the hotel?

However, that monstrosity pales in comparison to the terrifying spectacle I witnessed during one break in the festivities. Did anyone else see the new Orville Deadenbacher commercial? *shudder* In case you didn't, it features a digitally-recreated version of the long-deceased popcorn guru. According to
this article, new technology makes it possible for "directors to create and use completely believable . . . authentic digital human with detail, personality and close-up realism." I can only assume that the director (David Fincher, of Seven & Fight Club fame, oddly enough) didn't view the finished product. It would have been far more life-like & less disturbing if they had actually dug up Mr. Redenbacher himself. I wish I could link to it, but I can't seem to find it online. (The commercial, not the dead guy. Is it possible that something exists in the world that can't be found online?) It's probably just as well. I think I'm already scarred from the initial experience. I may never eat popcorn again.

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Monday Already?

What happened to the weekend? Surely it can't be over already! But I didn't get anything done! No packing. No cleaning. Certainly no laundry. No selling-of-miscellaneous-household-crap-on-various-websites. How can I be so overwhelmingly exhausted when I didn't accomplish anything in the past 48 hours? This week is not starting off well. Maybe this will motivate me . . . one word answers are about all I'm capable of anyway.

  • This Moment: exhausted
  • Your Shoes: pointy
  • Craving: energy
  • The State of Your Home: disorganized
  • Annoyed By: office
  • Noise In the Background: rain
  • Really Want To: sleep
  • Thinking About: responsibilities
  • Your Keyboard: wireless
  • Smelling: candle
  • Favorite Product In Office Supply Aisle: pens
  • Don't Ever Want To: settle
  • Your Eye Color: green
  • The Weather: bleak
  • Have Never Tried: curry
  • Think Everyone Should Try: courtesy
  • Last Vacation Destination: zoo
  • The Last Thing You Had to Drink: tea
  • Your Bad Habit: worrying
  • What You're Going To Do Now: work

Ha! Okay, I'm going to try to do something that vaguely resembles work, how about that? And then maybe I'll eat some chocolate. For the energy boost.

I think I'm going to need a lot more chocolate.


Feast #126
What comes to mind when you see the color orange?

Did you ever get in trouble while you were in school? If so, what was it for?
I adored my kindergarten teacher & wrote "I love Miss Brocolli" in permanent red marker all over the trash can. And then I lied when she asked me if I did it. Unfortunately, I was the only kid in class who could write cursive, so she knew it was me, & I got in trouble for lying. I must have been traumatized by the whole ordeal, because I was fairly well-behaved after that. Or, at least I learned not to get caught since I'm such a terrible liar!

Which topping(s) make up your perfect pizza?
Cheese, mushrooms, bacon & sometimes black olives. My Favorite Pizza Ever is from a place called Mario's Woodfire Pizzeria in Pennsylvania. It's a white pizza with just olive oil, three different kinds of cheese & fresh basil & it is heavenly. I think I see a road trip in my future . . .

Do you believe in UFOs/aliens/etc.? Why or why not?
Well, I am willing to consider the possibility that there may be life on other planets. However, I don't think that aliens are coming down to Earth, abducting frumpy housewives from North Dakota & having their way with them on a space ship.

What color is your bedspread/comforter/quilt?
Sage green.

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What I Have Learned This Week

And isn't it nice of me to pass my vast, hard-earned knowledge on to you? You're welcome.

  • Yes, it is possible to have the exact same bronchial infection twice in one season.
  • No, going to the doctor at the first sign of symptoms will not stop said bronchitis from knocking you on your ass, nor will it lessen the severity or longevity of the symptoms. You will just be $30 poorer.
  • The noxious "butterscotch flavored" liquid that your doctor prescribes does not, in fact, taste remotely like butterscotch or anything else even vaguely palatable, will make you shudder every single time you take it & will not lessen the severity or longevity of the symptoms.
  • Benadryl is your friend. It will not lessen the severity or longevity of the symptoms either, but you will be too looped to care. Must be taken while lying down, preferably somewhere you don't mind spending the next 6 to 8 hours.
  • Prime time television, even basketball & SpikeTV, is positively fascinating when you're delusional.
  • And finally, yes, even a #1 ranked, undefeated team can completely disintegrate in front of your eyes & throw away the most important game of the season. I still love you, Coach Tressel!

Needless to say, I have been even less productive than usual this week. Laundry? What's that? You mean that pile of clothes that I washed & dryed & then left sitting in the basket for 2 days so that it is so hopelessly wrinkled, it will all have to be washed & dried again? Yeah, I guess laundry needs to be done. And cleaning, which I can tell you now isn't going to happen. Plus I have a whole mess of wedding stuff to list on eBay or craigslist (only 14 months after the wedding, way to stay on top of things!*), birthday presents to wrap for two nieces & of course our house isn't going to pack itself. Because the house? It is lazy. I, however, am going to get motivated & get some of this crap done. As soon as I run out of Benadryl.

*Anyone need a custom-made strapless wedding dress or twelve grapevine-&-some-kind-of-berry-type-thing pew decorations? Anyone? No? Damn.


Okay, I know it said one word responses only, but - seriously, rémoulade as my favorite condiment? Could I possibly be any more pretentious? Well, yes, actually I could, I am such a snob sometimes. But I just had to say in my own defense that I have been dying for crab cakes lately (or, more accurately, as usual) & a spicy, creamy rémoulade dipping sauce just makes them so much better. Which is why I can't make crab cakes at home. Every recipe for rémoulade has at least 297 ingredients, some of which I have never even heard of. (What the hell is cornichon & do I have to mince it myself or does it come prepared that way?) And I have a steadfast rule that I only use recipes that require six ingredients or less, all of which are commonly found in my kitchen. (Read: not cornichons.)

I'm not really sure why I felt the urge to clarify this. I think it may have something to do with the teetering pile of paperwork currently looming over me, threatening to collapse and bury me until Easter. I have the theory that if I ignore it long enough, it will take care of itself, which, come to think of it, is pretty much Chris' theory on laundry & house cleaning. And that normally works for him. I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh, & by the way? The real answer is probably mayonnaise.


Whew! Just when I thought I would have to come up with words that actually string together to make a coherent sentence, Melissa the Sarcomical came up with another one-word meme. And thus, intelligible blogging can be avoided for yet another day!

  • You Just Finished: coughing
  • The Weather Outside: flurries
  • Character On Your Childhood Lunchbox: Tink
  • Your Mood: tired
  • Britney Spears: trashy
  • Favorite Place In the House: bed
  • Proud To Be: empathetic
  • Favorite Condiment: rémoulade
  • Food Indulgence: truffles
  • Scent You Hate: gardenia
  • Most Recent Purchase: groceries
  • American Idol: incessant
  • Last Part of Your Body Injured: nail
  • Your Desk: organized
  • Favorite Kind of Juice: orange
  • Animal That Freaks You Out: rodent
  • People Irritate You When They: interrupt
  • Your First Kiss: forgettable
  • Your Last Meal: pizza
  • You'd Rather Be: moving
  • The Future: change
  • Hate To Look At: suffering
  • The Ocean: immense
  • Time Since You Got Up and Left The Computer: hours

Avoid your email, I will be tagging!

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Feast #125
Which celebrity (or celebrities) do you think will make headlines this year?
The Paris / Britney / Lindsay crowd, because they cannot seem to function
without constant attention.

They say that good things come in small packages.
What is something little that you think is great?

That little robin's egg blue Tiffany box always makes me happy!

Name a song that makes you want to dance.
Kanye West's Gold Digger & Justin Timberlake's SexyBack.

What is your favorite font?
Chopinscript, copperplate gothic, dear joe four, hill house, mutlu ornamental, renaissance, scriptina, wendy medium . . . no way I could pick just one,
I am a font junkie!

If you were to write a do-it-yourself article, what would it be about?
Drawing a blank on this one. Making cream puffs?

Join the Feast!