Utterly Brilliant Thoughts

Overheard in My Dining Room

2007-08-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

Me: That crystals-&-tarot-cards place down the road has weekly yoga classes. I should get a schedule from them.

Chris: [Does not even bother to reply, knowing damn well that there's no way I am going to motivate myself enough to find out when classes are held, much less actually haul myself to them, but also being smart enough not to point this out.]

Me: The thing is, I don't want to go to some New Age-y kind of yoga class. I want to go to, you know, a girls-like-me kind of yoga class.

Chris: What, you mean where you sit around & drink lattes & talk about doing yoga?

Me: EXACTLY!

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

2007-08-26T22:01:00.000-05:00

Thank God for Melissa, the only reason this is a (semi-) active blog. I truly have the best of intentions when it comes to updating. I've written whole posts in my head & even have scribbled a few on actual paper. But I want to avoid writing about anything work-related, mostly because I don't want to worry about getting dooced. Also because it is virtually impossible to describe my work environment without it sounding like a poorly-written sitcom. Unfortunately, since I spend roughly 75% of my waking hours in work-related endeavors, that's really all I have to talk about. Unless you want to discuss my Sephora addiction, my quest for The Perfect Haircut or the fact that I finally, finally! found a local Target with a Starbucks in-house. No? None of those? Are you sure? Because, trust me, I am fully able & willing to discuss any of those topics for hours at a time. Ah, well, if you change your mind . . . in the meantime . . .

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #12

Hoping For: motivation
Just Finished: newspaper
Jonesing For: torte
Most Annoying Brady Bunch Kid: one?
Word to Describe Your Personal Sense of Style: classic
Last Snack: cheese
Have Never, Ever Tried: skydiving
Last Clumsy Injury: recent
Your Environment: messy
Daily Object You'd Like to Throw Into Oncoming Traffic: alarm
Favorite Kind of Soup: bisque
Holiday You Don't Typically Celebrate: Halloween
Happy To Have: health
Want To Start: routine
Need To Start: exercising
Last Thing You Purchased: perfume
Color of Your Car Interior: blue
Color of the Wall in the Room You're In: white
Days Since Your Last Night Out: four
Number of Rings On Your Fingers: three
How Many Minutes It Takes To Do Your Hair: infinite
Favorite Outdoor Smell: ocean
Number of Clocks in Your Home (not on appliances): eight
Where You Put Spare Change: bottle

See you next Sunday!

It's Still Sunday on the West Coast

2007-08-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

And keeping with this week's meme theme . . .

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #11

Your Body Feels: tired
Your Mind Feels: fuzzy
The Last Thing You Ate: cherry
Something On Your Desk/Workspace: mess
On Your Chest: silk
On Your Legs: nothing
On Your Feet: pink
Favorite Instrument to Hear: guitar
Your Last Kiss Happened Here: kitchen
Something You Wish You'd Invented: plastic
Something You Wish Had Never Been Invented: golf
Favorite Place For a Quiet Afternoon: library
Right Now You Should Be: sleeping
You Hate When People: preach
You Love When People: understand
When In Doubt, Order the: pasta
Band You're Currently Into: Mars
How Many Movies You've Gone to See So Far This Month: none
Your Favorite Big Brother 8 Houseguest: what???
Your Least Favorite Big Brother 8 Houseguest: none
Your Maternal Grandmother's Name: Mena
Your First Childhood Pet's Name: Madison
The Number of People in Your Family With Red Hair: two
What You're Thinking about Doing After This: laundry
What You Really WISH You Were Doing After This: sleep

The Interview - Part Three

2007-08-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Hi! How are you? How has your summer been? Doing lots of fun stuff, are you? Me? Oh, well, lots of excitement 'round here. What with the, um, work, and, you know, more work, and also spending another 3 hours dealing with the asshats at Verizon* over the past month. Since I am going to assume that you have heard enough about

Verizon to last a lifetime, & I will further assume that no one wants to hear me whine about my job, I begged the lovely & tremendously amusing Melissa to interview me. (Yes, I know I jumped on this bandwagon before. My life is bereft of blog fodder just now, or at the very least I am too frazzled to form coherent sentences into actual paragraphs, so it's this or nothing, people!)

If money were no object, what would be your dream job and why?
In answering this question, I briefly considered many options. None of them were quite right. Which is when I realized that what I would truly love to do every day is lie on a warm beach (extra points if I can tan with no risk of cancer or skin damage), hang out with my family & friends, shop, sleep as late as I'd like & have someone else do my hair. What job is that? Heiress, perhaps? Hm. If that didn't work out, I think I might quite like to be a photographer. I love capturing a moment forever.

Where would you like to see yourself in five years life-wise?
I hope my marriage will be even stronger & happier than it is now. I would like to have children by then, biological or adopted or both. I also hope to be financially secure & have found my niche professionally with a company that I respect & enjoy working for.

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time, and why?
Spare time, you say? As in, extra time to do with as you wish? This is something that actually exists? Imagine that. I love reading & will read virtually anything. I just finished Happy Birthday or Whatever & The Last Boleyn Girl, which took me over a month to read in 15-minute increments on the subway. I am hoping for a birthday subscription to People, which could conceivably be read cover-to-cover on one trip. Baking. Watching old movies, which are infinitely better than the vast majority of new movies. Discovering new places (cities, shops, restaurants). Going to the zoo, any zoo, or really almost anywhere at all, I just like going somewhere. Am I exciting or what?

Similarly, what are a few things you'd rather get a root canal than do?
Ride a roller coaster. Go swimming. Go camping. Watch golf / basketball / bowling / professional wrestling on television. Paint. (Two rooms in the house haven't been repainted yet & I am dreading it.)

What would you say your most valuable life lesson has been?
To listen to myself. The biggest mistakes I have made in life have been because I ignored my inner voice. Also to forgive myself when I do make a mistake, although this is a lesson I still struggle with.

If you want to jump (back) on the bandwagon with me, let me know in the comments. It may take me a few days (weeks) (months?) to get back to you (see: exciting, rock-star-like lifestyle), but I'm sure the fascinating questions that I come up with will more than make up for the wait. Of course, that's assuming that anyone is still reading. Hello? Anyone?

* For those of you who know me IRL, I have finally dumped Verizon & have a shiny new boyfriend. (I love you, Comcast! Smooches!) Check your email for my new phone number. Not that I will ever be home to answer the phone, but you know. I'll probably call you back some day.

GRRRRRR

2007-07-02T10:20:00.000-05:00

I Hate Verizon. Hate. Hate with the heat of a thousand white hot burning suns. Haaaaaaaaaate.

I have now logged over four hours of calls to their "customer service" line since April, simply in order to get all of my services on one bill & at the appropriate rate. This does not include the two additional hours I spent on the phone with Amanda at the "help desk" trying to figure out why my home phone service was mysteriously disconnected. (They assigned me a number that was already in use by someone else. Oops.) It also does not include the 30 minutes I spent with Michael at "tech support", attempting to get the FiOs back up & running. (They disabled my modem due to nonpayment . . . and weren't very apologetic when I pointed out that I hadn't paid because I never received a bill, something which I had brought to their attention weeks earlier.) In addition to Amanda & Michael, I have now spoken to Orville, Jim, Brittany, Ashley, Melissa, Cathy & Jen. And, amazingly, somehow a supervisor is NEVER available, although I have been told twice that I will receive a call back. Anyone care to guess how many return calls I have received? Yes! That would be absolutely NONE! Good guess!

In case you were wondering, even after 4+ hours of irritation and frustration, my bill is still completely screwed up, none of the "for your inconvenience" credits have actually been credited, and the only thing they have managed to change on my bill was to switch it into my husband's name, for no reason that I or anyone else can figure out. And they even spelled his name wrong. Oh, and after today's 40-minute call? Jen informed me that I would now be charged $40 more monthly because the price that was quoted to me initially (in March! how could this be so fouled up when I just started service IN MARCH, for God's sake??) was wrong. *sigh* I am starting to think I am some sort of test case to see exactly how far a customer can be pushed before she goes over the edge and threatens to bludgeon someone to death with a cell phone. Am guessing it's somewhere around the 5th hour. Stay tuned.

Must Share!

2007-06-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

Guess what I am wearing right this very second???? (All of the perverts may keep their answers to themselves, thank you very much.)

A

size

four

dress.

FOUR! And it's zipped! All the way! Comfortably! This is Very Exciting News, people. Turns out that sitting around watching Judging Amy reruns & eating bon bons is not helpful for weight loss. Did you know this? Why didn't someone tell me? Apparently, what is helpful is spending 50 hours per week at work & having no time to eat. Do you think it would be wrong to stay at this job long enough to get back into a size two?

Edited to add: Yes, sadly, this is the most exciting thing that has happened to me since my last post. I am not kidding when I say I do nothing but work, get ready for work, travel to / from work & sleep (in order to get up & go to work). My house is a sty. Truly. Ask my mom. The poor woman drove an hour & a half to spend a day with me last week & was welcomed into an unspeakably messy house. And was nice enough to tell me how nice the house looked. Love you, Mom!

Brilliant May Be Overstating It A Bit

2007-06-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

I really rock this whole blog thing, don't I? I would like to blame my craptastic new job for my lack of writing, but since I only posted three times in May, when I was still conspicuously employment-free . . . well, let's just admit that I have been particularly unmotivated lately & move on, shall we? Lots of interesting things have happened recently, or at least some semi-interesting things, or maybe just things in general. Regardless, my brain is feeling like Swiss cheese right now, and you know what that means. Bring on the meme!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I had just become an aunt for the first time. (So! Excited! And she is even more brilliant & beautiful than I could have imagined. Which is amazing, since I thought she was pretty much perfect from the beginning.) Soon after Nessa was born, I flew to Atlanta to visit Mary. My ears wouldn't pop & for some reason, I thought margaritas might help. (Reasonable, I think.) So by the time we landed, I was looped, couldn't hear & was therefore yelling everything. I can only imagine how much fun that was for those around me. Hey, Mary, maybe that's why Jim didn't like me?

What were you doing one year ago?
Hoping & praying for my house to sell. Hating my job. Making plans for the Dave Matthews concert & our trip to Canada.

Five snacks you enjoy.
Just five??
1. Snyder's cheese popcorn
2. Krispy Kreme
3. Pepperidge Farm cheddar goldfish
4. dark chocolate
5. chips or crackers with dip (crab, shrimp, 7-layer taco, Heluva good french onion . . . pretty much any kind of dip or spread, extra points if there's cheese involved)

Five songs you know all the lyrics to.
I can barely remember my phone number, but I am a whiz when it comes to song lyrics & will remember them after hearing them just two or three times. The last five songs I listened to were:
1. Back to Black, Amy Winehouse
2. The Sweetest Thing, U2
3. Wild Horses, The Rolling Stones
4. I've Been Loving You Too Long, Otis Redding
5. Makes Me Wonder, Maroon 5

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire.
Let's assume this means multi-millionaire / billionaire, m'kay? Lots more fun to ponder.
1. buy a Kennedy-esque compound on the beach for the whole family - or at least the ones that I don't have the urge to smack on a semi-regular basis
2. adopt lots & lots of kids, à la Angelina Jolie
3. donate vast sums to charity
4. travel
5. invest, so I could continue all of the above

Five bad habits.
1. eating too much fat & sugar
2. not returning phone calls
3. procrastinating
4. worrying
5. baking in the sun (I don't do this anymore BUT I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO)

Five things you like doing.
1. going to the beach (or anywhere, really - I just like to go somewhere)
2. planning stuff & making lists
3. shopping
4. reading
5. sleeping
(In case I haven't mentioned it before, I am a ROCK STAR. The excitement never stops 'round here.)

Five things you would never wear again.
1. my wedding dress - only because, strangely enough, I can't seem to find the appropriate occasion
2. miniskirt
3. padded bra (good Lord, why?)
4. scrunchies
5. leggings

Five Favorite Toys.
I'm not much into toys, but I really, really want a laptop & would like to upgrade the digital camera. And, um, sometimes, when I'm putting the toys away after my nieces leave, I may have been known to brush Barbie's hair. And perhaps change her clothes. And shoes. I may also have bought the nieces & nephews certain toys that I really wanted for myself. (Lite Brite!) But that's normal, right? Hello? Anyone?

If you decide to jump on the bandwagon with me, leave a comment so I can check out your answers!

Update

2007-06-05T08:31:00.000-05:00

Started the new job. Hate it. Am exhausted. Must go win lottery so I can resume sleeping in, eating chocolate & hanging out at the library. (Am quite the rock star.) Hope all is well with you!

And How Was Your Evening?

2007-05-24T22:40:00.000-05:00

A few hours ago, I was contentedly sitting in front of my computer, getting ready tell you hi! & did you miss me? & sweet merciful God, I am so over the whole 520-step interview process & blah blah talky talk talk blah. Then Chris called to tell me he was on his way home. Early! Dinner before nine o'clock! Woo hoo! And then I was further distracted by something shiny (oooh, lipgloss!) & before I had a chance to actually write anything, Chris was home. And he brought news. Of the "guess what happened on the way home" & "I'll tell you all about it after I call the insurance company" variety. Thankfully, Chris is fine, but Carmen (what, doesn't your husband name his car?) has seen better days. (Of course, she's also seen worse days. This is the third accident she & Chris have been in within the past year. The one with the turkey was much worse. But that's a story for another day.) Anyway, after that, we could hardly just stay home & eat frittata, could we? The situation clearly called for drastic mood-enhancing measures. Which, in this house, means ice cream. And we were quite happily enjoying our ice cream when a gentleman in a ginormous SUV backed into Chris' motorcycle in the DQ parking lot. Bang. Did I mention that said gentleman happens to be unlicensed? Of course he is. He also has more tattoos than teeth, but I suppose that's not strictly relevant.

So.

If you need either of us, we will be sitting quietly on the couch, trying to avoid further incident. Please send liquor & chocolate.

Interview Update

2007-05-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

My (two-and-a-half-hour) interview went fairly well, I think, except for the fact that my interviewer shared with me that there are over 70 other applicants for the job and the one she met with before me had two Master's degrees. Two! Which, if you're playing along at home, is practically like two more than I have. But she did indicate that I would be getting a call to schedule the next round of interviews so I must have dazzled her with my wit and charm. Or maybe she thought we were kindred spirits in that we both once went to the same hairdresser. (Not you, Mom!) Or maybe she was just trying to get me the hell out of her office because dear God, 2.5 hours? I've had dates that didn't last that long! (Thankfully!) Oh, and when I finally got out of there, I had planned to take the subway home, only to find out that the line that I'm on is being repaired so now it connects to . . . well, nowhere, actually. Which is extra-special fun since one of the selling points of our new house was its proximity to the T. That goes nowhere. Brilliant.

Another interview this afternoon with a different company. Another step closer to buying out Zappos. Fingers crossed!

You Waited 10 Days For This?

2007-05-10T10:07:00.000-05:00

That was a rather long one day silence, wasn't it? Well, you know, I've been busy. Really, really busy. With all of the, um, important chocolate-eating and television-watching I've been doing. I also sold some stuff on Craig's List and organized my closet and made friends with the kids next door. Oh, and one day? Chris called for me from the back yard in the exact same tone that I would use if I had found a stack of diamond-filled Tiffany boxes. Unfortunately, no little blue boxes were in evidence, and what he actually found looked quite a bit like this:

So, um, yeah. Lots of excitement. Very busy. (Did you gag a little bit when you saw that? Because I did. And that slimy little thing is living in my back yard. Which I guess is better than in my bedroom, which is where Chris wanted to keep it. Boys are weird.)

Anyway.

The Dream Job interview is tomorrow. I am preparing for it by spending the day contemplating my wardrobe and doing my nails. Because I wouldn't hire someone for an important and responsible position if she couldn't even maintain her manicure, would you? It seems like possibly I should be doing something else to prepare for this. Something . . . not related to grooming. Some kind of research about the company perhaps? The thing is, it's kind of not my Dream Job anymore. I mean, I applied for it over a month ago, and I apparently have the attention span of goldfish because now I'm distracted by the brand! new! sparkly! Dream Job I applied for earlier today. Which probably also isn't really my Dream Job either, in that I don't recall the words "heiress", "royalty" or "obscene amounts of money in exchange for virtually no effort on your part" being used in the job description. However, my friend Mary sent me a link to this site (oooooh, shoes, want new shooooooooes, oh wait, have no money, damn) and I am fairly certain that both jobs offer some sort of monetary compensation, which means I could buy these.

Or these. And maybe these.Wish me luck!

One Day Blog Silence

2007-04-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

Interview Redux

2007-04-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

Remember those 655 boxes awaiting unpacking on my third floor? (Of course I'm being facetious. It's probably only 155.) They're still waiting. I was actually all ready to tackle it today, but I'm expecting the plumber sometime between now & the twelfth of never & there's no way I would hear him (or her - let's not make sexist assumptions here) while I'm up there. So . . . here I am. Waiting. Have I mentioned that I am pretty much the Least Patient Person of All Time? Truly. I could be waiting to get my gums scraped and I'd still be anxious to get started. Fortunately, the hysterically funny Metalia (this post never fails to crack me up, no matter how many times I read it) offered up another five questions, which gives me something to do other than stare out the window and wonder if the plumber will be satisfied with all of the money I have in the world or if I will have to sell a kidney and promise my firstborn child as well.

What is your favorite book of all time AND what is the absolute worst book you've ever read?
This is such a difficult question to answer since I read constantly. Among my favorites (the ones I love and have reread countless times) are Gone With the Wind, The Sun Also Rises, The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird & A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I also like almost anything by James Lee Burke, Augusten Burroughs, Jodi Picoult & Anna Quindlen. As for the worst . . . I don't know if it's the absolute worst, but I really, really wanted to like Wicked and I really, really didn't. That's the only book in recent memory that I didn't finish once I started it.

What's your most irrational fear?
When I am driving, I am fine as long as no one else is on the road (which, you know, doesn't happen very often), but as soon as a car is coming towards me or driving alongside me, I am absolutely certain it is going to hit me. This is only the case when I am driving. Which is why I don't. I also believe that those big crunchy spiders (you know which ones I mean) have the ability to catapult themselves across the room and land on my head.

If you were invisible for one day, who would you spy on?
Oh, the Shrub, definitely. I would love to know if he is (Heaven help us) as clueless as he appears. And if Laura ever turns to him and says, "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?"

What was the first CD you ever bought?
Hmmmm. Thinking back over my music collection (because God forbid I ever throw any of it away), it was probably Counting Crows' August & Everything After or the soundtrack from Boomerang. I am just that edgy and hip.

Okay, so you're the queen of Bourbon Slush, but if you have to do a shot, what's your alcohol of choice?
Tequila, definitely. And, yes, I require the accessories. (Metalia, I know you like tequila - are you a lemon-and-salt girl too?)

Edited to add: Good news! The plumbers showed up at 1:30 and did not require the GNP of Bulgaria to fix the whirlpool. The bad news is, that's because it is apparently not a plumbing problem, but an electrical one. I am fairly certain that, if I ever actually find an electrician (are there NO electricians in this city that can work on whirlpool pumps? really?), it will be something else entirely. At least now I have the whole afternoon to devote to the third floor. Yippee.

Five Questions: The Interview

2007-04-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

Speaking of clever & lovely, have I told you about Whoorl, lipgloss connoisseur & mother to what is clearly one of the most scrumptious babies in blogdom? She also has ridiculously shiny hair & lives by the beach. (Bitch.) But she's so entertaining, you will like her anyway. And she was nice enough to interview me, saving me from tackling the horrific chaos known as my third floor. For that (and this), I will love her forever.

What is your favorite state fair-type food?
Fries, gyro, caramel or candy apple, Italian ice, homemade ice cream, elephant ear, funnel cake, lemon shake, orange shake, virtually anything fried or on a stick. If it's fried and on a stick? Look out. Oh, wait. Did you mean just one thing?

What is the last thing you do before getting into bed at night?
Turn off the light. More accurately - forget to turn off the light, sigh, grumble, try to get my husband to get up & turn off the light, disregard his argument that I was the last person in bed and also the light switch is on my side of the room, grumble some more, get out of bed, walk two steps, turn off the light & get back in bed, still grumbling.

Window or aisle seat?
Aisle. I like to be able to make a quick getaway.

How many states/countries have you lived in? What was your favorite?
Just two states, Pennsylvania & Ohio. I definitely prefer Pennsylvania.

What kind of cheese do you like on your burger, if any?
Mmmmm, cheese. I had a burger yesterday with bourbon sauce & gorgonzola cheese & it was to die for. I like almost any kind of cheese, except Swiss. Unless it's Jarlsberg & then only in this fabulous dip that I can, quite literally, eat an entire bowl of, all by myself. Which gives me an idea for lunch . . .

Want to play? Here's how it works:

Leave me a comment requesting an interview.
I will email you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you ask nicely & shower me with compliments, they may even make sense. Maybe. (Don't bet on it.)
You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation (or a reasonable variation) and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Come on, it will be fun! And I won't have to deal with the third floor for at least another few hours.

Edited to add: check out Mary, Kimmy, Nicole & Teacher Lady for their amusing answers to my less-than-inspired questions. And also Mrs. T, who expanded the meme by tagging herself to answer Metalia's questions.

Sunday-ish

2007-04-16T09:30:00.000-05:00

Thank God for the clever & lovely Melissa, who saved me from coherent thought once again.

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #8

Your Shirt: wrinkled
To Your Right: windows
To Your Left: mirror
The Most Recently-Placed Object On Your Desk: phone
You Detest: intolerance
Have Been Thinking About: work
Would Like To Buy: laptop
Will Never Buy: gun
Your Upcoming Week's Biggest Negative: cleaning
Your Upcoming Week's Greatest Plus: weekend
Part Of Your Last Meal: asiago
Something You Won't Tolerate: lying
Something You Can't Turn Down: pastry
Your Mind: busy
Your Preferred Flavor of Toothpaste: mint
The Location of Your First Kiss: forgettable
Your Favorite Part of a Picnic: sunshine
A Favorite Type of Tree: magnolia
The Last Thing You Completed: book
You'd Love To Be Invisible For One Day In a Room With: Dubya

The Infamous Music Meme

2007-04-11T11:43:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Kimmy & Teacher Lady for this meme: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what they are. They must be songs you are presently enjoying. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

Oh, this is bad. I rarely listen to the radio & truly have no idea what is hot right now. I've already told you that I have no idea who half the people in Rolling Stone are. The last CD I bought was . . . hmm, I actually have no idea. The last CD that was bought for me was Justin Timberlake's FutureSex / LoveSounds & I have to admit that I am strangely addicted to it. (Although, seriously, JT, it is time to get over that whole infidelity thing. Lord.) Okay, I am probably going to embarrass myself terribly, but here are the last seven songs I listened to on Napster & that are in pretty much constant rotation lately:

Bill Withers, "Ain't No Sunshine"
Janis Joplin, "Cry Baby"
Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah"
Augustana, "Boston"
Damien Rice, "The Blower's Daughter"
Mary J. Blige, "Be Without You"
Nelly Furtado, "Say It Right"

And of course, I always, always, always loooooooooove Dave Matthews. (Tickets are going on sale on the 21st, who's coming to the concert with me??) I'm not tagging anyone because I think there are only about six people left in the blogosphere who haven't already participated in this meme. If you are one of those six & want to jump on the bandwagon with me, leave me a note in the comments so I can check out your list. God knows I could use some new music recommendations!

Advice Requested

2007-04-10T10:24:00.000-05:00

I believe I may have mentioned once or twice or a million times just how thoroughly horrible my last work environment was. As is so often the case, even I didn't realize quite how bad it was until I was free of it. Suddenly, miraculously, I am now sleeping through the night, my daily headaches are a distant memory & I don't even know where the bottle of Tums is, much less need one on every floor for immediate access. Glorious!

The problem is (you knew there was a problem, right? I can turn anything into an issue, trust me), having found myself blissfully free of the weight of job-related stress, I am not exactly anxious to jump right back into the work force. Which is an issue since Chris & I are perhaps over-fond of things like eating and electricity and other luxuries like that. And then, of course, there's my Coach / Tiffany / Sephora / shoes of any kind habits. So, yeah, I'm going to have to get a job. And while I don't know exactly what I want to do (it seems that all of the heiress positions have been filled), I do know that I don't want to spend 40+ hours a week thoroughly miserable, overworked & underpaid, with my sole purpose being to make a multi-millionaire even more wealthy. I would like to get some sense of satisfaction and purpose from my job. Which leads me to the point of this post (and yes, there is one).

I recently applied for a marketing position at a non-profit organization. This job is PERFECT for me in virtually every way. The organization is one that I wholeheartedly support and would be thrilled to be involved with. I have been training for this position for all of my adult life. In spite of my rediscovered love for sleeping in & watching bad daytime television, I really, really want this job. And today I found out that I progressed to the next step in the interview process, an applicant questionnaire that includes questions like "why are you interested in marketing and development?" and "where do you see yourself in five years?". Oh, hell. I hate questions like that. I hated them as an interviewer and I hate them even more as an interviewee. They're crap questions with absolutely no good answers and they tell you nothing about the candidate. And yet somehow I have to answer them in a way that makes a complete stranger think that I would be an asset to her organization. That I am, in fact, the best person on the planet for this position. Sadly, the only semi-coherent thought (if we're judging loosely) swirling through my head is "please hire me, oh please oh please oh please, I am a marketing genius and I will totally rock this position and you will love me so much and I will bring you candy every day and did I tell you how pretty you are?". And you can see how the only thing this will get me is banned from the building.

Any suggestions? Please?

Question

2007-04-06T14:46:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had no less than four different men buy me drinks. (Which totally explains the last post. I mean, I could hardly refuse a drink once it had been bought for me, could I? That would've been bad manners, & my mama raised me right.) Several of them (obviously brilliant, discerning individuals) spent the better part of the evening telling me how fabulous, charming & gorgeous I am. I should mention that one of these men is over seventy & another is of questionable sexual orientation. And I don't know what I should be more upset about - the fact that this is now the demographic that I appeal to, or that over the course of the evening my husband repeatedly asked what I did / said to these men to make them so taken with me. I may be a lush, but doesn't that sound like an insult to you?

Helpful Information

2007-04-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

It seems that I only need to drink four Lynchburg Lemonades (perfectly made by my new BFFs, Curtis & John at the PAA) to be loooooaaaaaded.

Unfortunately, last night I drank six.

Head. Hurts.

Stupid Jack Daniels.

Looking for Answers

2007-04-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've all been wondering what exactly I've been doing with myself now that I am officially unemployed. Some of you (those of you how either don't know me very well or have generously given me the benefit of the doubt) may have assumed that I'm busy unpacking / cleaning / cooking a lovely dinner for my wonderful husband / looking for a new job in order to support my Coach habit. And of course, I am doing all of those things. Or, um, I've done some of those things. Occasionally. I've also taken lots of bubble baths in my glorious new whirlpool tub, checked out my local library & discovered that daytime television is dismal. In short, I've had lots of time to ponder the Great Mysteries of Life, to wit:

Does ESPN not have a stylist of any kind for their anchors?
Don't any of those men at least have wives / girlfriends / significant others to help them out? Sean Salisbury & Barry Melrose, I'm talking to you!
Am I the only one who cares about this? My husband is surprisingly unconcerned about their wardrobe & hairstyle choices.
Am I the only one who has noticed that Sandra Lee is a lush? Seriously, I am all about the cocktails, and I do appreciate the fact that every single episode of her show includes a cocktail recipe, but she gets much too elated about cooking sherry. Also, "tablescape" is not a word & no one should be that enthralled over napkin rings & teacup favors.
In real life, does anyone actually have favors for their dinner guests?
Seriously, do they? Have I been committing a horrible entertaining faux pas all these years?
Why does everyone on the planet eat a piece of pie &/or pizza starting at the point?
When did "chocolate" become a muffin flavor, just like blueberry or banana nut?
Isn't a chocolate muffin just a cupcake without frosting?
Does calling it a muffin somehow make it healthier?
Since I assume it does not, isn't eating a cupcake a lot more fun than eating a muffin? Because I would rather have one cupcake than a whole basket of muffins.
Does anyone actually like that lingonberry stuff at IKEA?
How is it possible that you can put together an entire IKEA wood TV stand with one tiny hex key (included in the box), but the little cardboard storage boxes require a screwdriver and a wrench and the towel bars don't even come with screws?
How is it possible that, knowing that, I still get sucked in to the Swedish quagmire that is IKEA every time?
Even more confounding is how did I get sucked into American Idol this year, which leads to the most baffling question of all time - How is Sanjaya Malakar still on American Idol? The boy cannot sing & his stage presence is so awkward, it's physically painful. I am saying little prayers that this is his last week.
Am I the only person who thinks that Tony Bennett's sole accomplishment is outliving his contemporaries? Although I will say that I went to an exhibit of his paintings once, and they were surprisingly good.
Speaking of people that can't sing, why does Fergie have to spell at least one word in all of her songs?
And if she must spell some random word in each song, why wouldn't she make sure that the word is spelled correctly? FYI, T-A-S-T-E-Y is not how you spell tasty.

I have also discovered this week (in case you could not have guessed) that I am terminally unhip. I have no idea who at least 60% of the "celebrities" in the last issue of Rolling Stone were. (Danger Mouse? The Arcade Fire? Who are these people?) Soon I'm going to be one of Those People who bitches about "kids today" & the horrible music they listen to & how they can't spell or hold an actual conversation & have no sense of personal responsibility & Lord God almighty, must all of the girls dress like tarts? Oh, wait. I am That Person.

I think I need to start looking for a job.

Taking Today Off

2007-03-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

I've made the executive decision to take the rest of the day off. Since today is my first official day of unemployment, this basically means that I am boycotting the whole unpacking / organizing / cleaning thing. Damn it, I have been awake since 3 o'clock this morning with tooth (or, more accurately, lack-of-tooth) pain & I should get some kind of compensation, shouldn't I? However, it has been several months since I have had any time to sit around like third base and I'm not really sure what to do. Oh, I know!

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #7
(Someday I'll actually do this on a Sunday.)

Your Weekend: busy
Smelling: shampoo
Annoyed By: everything
Your Face: clean
Your Pants: comfy
Something You Want To Create: order
A Favorite Old Movie Star: Grace
Not Looking Forward To: employment
Hearing: meow
You Wish You Could: sing
Last Thing You Cooked: chicken
Your Breakfast: none
Your Driving Record: nonexistent
Last Illness: bronchial
Want To Be: relaxed
Mind Keeps Wandering To: responsibilities
You Despise: ignorance
Unprepared For: anything
Favorite Part Of Spring: warmth
Your Toenails: red
Proud Of Your: marriage
Not Proud Of Your: fear
How You Decompress: reading
Your Kitchen Table: antique
Something You Want to Accomplish Today: repair

Oh hell. I just remembered that I still have to complete our taxes. So much for relaxing. Now which box do you think the tax file could be in?

March Madness

2007-03-26T08:26:00.000-05:00

That whole Mercury retrograde thing is over and yet my life is still a bizarre, twisted little mess. Here are just a few of the things that have happened to me this week:

Spent FIVE HOURS of my life with the Dish Network (oh yeah, I'm naming names) installation tech. That's after he showed up THREE hours after his latest scheduled arrival time. Did I mention that the dish itself was already in place, as was all of the wiring into the house? He just had to drill a few holes (which he did, one in the middle of my bedroom wall) & format the receivers (which he did not, at least not correctly, which led to not one but two phone calls to tech support and customer service, neither one of which was the least helpful but did serve to waste another hour of my time).
Spent innumerable hours on the phone with Verizon. Yeah, I'm naming names there too, but only because I've had excellent customer service from them. True, my landline still isn't functioning correctly, and no one seems to know why, but at least they show up on time and at least appear to be making an effort to rectify the situation. My expectations are very, very low.
Woke up on Saturday morning to discover that the discarded moving boxes on our front porch had been rearranged. Nothing appeared to have been taken (if only), just . . . stacked & reorganized much more neatly. Either I am so compulsively tidy that I did this in my sleep, or one of our neighbors is absurdly obsessive-compulsive. And if that's the case, I so want to make friends with him / her.
Fell out of love with IKEA. I am now the proud owner of, among other things, two stainless steel towel bars that will safely hold the weight of a powder puff. A small one. Maybe. However, I am considering renting out my husband to IKEA-devotees. The man has a gift for putting together IKEA merchandise in 15 minutes or less. And he only spews obscenities for the first 10 minutes or so.
Went to Benihana, where our hibachi chef's name was (I swear to God) Bob. The whitest man in the whole place. Maybe in the whole state. It was rather like watching Bob Dole grill burgers. Not what you might call entertaining. Is it reverse racism to ask for an Asian chef?
Had a door fall on my foot.
Cut my leg on the edge of an unframed mirror.
Smacked my head on the stone mantle above the fireplace.
And then, the coup de grâce. Last night, I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom & apparently passed out or fell back asleep or just exhibited my usual lack of grace & started to fall as I was walking in the room. Luckily I caught myself. With my tooth. On the marble ledge by the bathtub. Ow. So now I have an emergency appointment with my brand-new, chosen-from-the-internet-with-no-prior-recommendation-whatsoever-but-whose-office-is-open-at-eight-in-the-morning dentist.

This is getting ridiculous. And to top it all off, the boxes seem to be multiplying whenever I leave the room. The house is no where near completely unpacked & / or organized. Unless you count the linen closet, which is IMMACULATE. Of course, I do have the rest of the day. You know, except for when I have to go to the dentist. And if I don't lose a finger in a freak picture-hanging accident or something.

Moved

2007-03-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

Remind me why I was so excited about moving. We are officially moved into our new house & I am surrounded by seemingly insurmountable chaos. Boxes everywhere. Only some of them are actually labeled. Even less are labeled with information that makes any sense or has any relation to the contents actually found therein. We had to brush our teeth with Listerine on Sunday (the toothpaste was eventually found in a box labeled "office supplies") and I couldn't find my underwear (in the "sleepwear" box) until Monday. And the best part is, I have imposed upon myself a completely arbitrary & utterly unrealistic deadline to have everything unpacked & our new house in perfect order within one week. Why?, you ask. Well, clearly I am a total idiot.

But I am an idiot that will have a clean, well-organized house within a week.

Or I will crack from the pressure and Chris will come home to find me hiding under the dining room table, clutching a box cutter and weeping over our lack of adequate storage space.

In case you're wondering, no, I haven't found my mind yet. It must be in one of those unmarked boxes.

Four Days Left!

2007-03-13T19:06:00.000-05:00

I'm training my replacement at the office this week. Fortunately, she's not a complete idiot (a ringing endorsement, no?), but the process is very difficult for me. I am more of a "just get out of my way & let me do it, God, why do I have to keep explaining things to you?" kind of person. Plus this whole training thing has taken up all the free time I have at work, which makes it nearly impossible to blog. Not that I would ever blog at work. Of course. But if I did, I would have time to tell you all about my mom getting lost in Pittsburgh for two hours, in spite of various sailors and construction workers attempting to send her in the right direction. And then she spent another two hours cleaning my louver doors with a Q-tip. And she's still speaking to me. My mom rocks. But since I should be packing, I will have to content myself with this:

One-Word Sarcomical Sunday # 6
(Only One Day Late!)

Your Mood: frenzied
What You're Craving: chocolate
Your Favorite Day of the Week: Friday
Your Mind: shredded
Something that Cheers You Up: Chris
Something that Depresses You: loss
Where Your Keys Rest at Night: somewhere
A TV Gameshow You Secretly Get Into: none
The Way You Like Your Eggs: omelette
Your Hair: curly
The Last Thing You Ordered Online: curtains
The Messiest Room In Your Home Right Now: all
Your Least Favorite Month: January
The Worst Fashion Fad You Participated In: blond
How Many Times In the Night You Get Up To Pee (on average): one
Your Journey: meandering
A Sound that Makes You Happy: purring
Your First Date: amazing
Something You Wish You Did More Often: exercise
Something You Admire: fearlessness
The First Place You Go When You Get Home: mail
What You're Going to Do Now: pack

Of All the Things I've Lost

2007-03-09T20:37:00.000-05:00

I miss my mind the most.

I just wandered around my house for, literally, ten minutes, tossing things aside & tearing through boxes, until I finally just stopped in the middle of the upstairs hallway & said - out loud, even though no one else was there, not even the cats - "For the love of God, where in the hell did I pack the . . . ponytail . . . holder . . . thingies . . .". Because not only could I not find a ponytail holder thing, I couldn't even think of what they are actually called. Elastics? Hairbands? Whatever. Either I am in the beginning stages of early-onset Alzheimer's, or I have so much crap going on, I can't even string two coherent words together.* Which is a perfect segue into . . .

One Word Sarcomical Sunday #5
(Only Five Days Late)

Your Current Footwear: pink
Something You're Doing Later: packing
Something You Wish You Could Do Right Now: unpack
Your Age At the Time Of Your First Kiss: ?
Your Feelings About Global Warming: worried
A Sport You Wish Would Never Be Shown On Television: fishing
Something On Your Desk that Shouldn't Be: piles
A Word To Describe The Current State of Your Sex Life: hopeful
How the Sky Looks Right Now: dark
Which of Snow White's 7 Dwarfs You'd Be: Grumpy
Your Preferred Birthday Cake: pie
A Magazine You Subscribe To: none
Number of Piercings You Have: two
Your Favorite Delivery/Takeout Item: Chinese
A Game You Hate to Play: cards
The Name of Your First Real-Life Crush: John
The Hand You Write With: right
The Hand You Wear Watches On: left
Your Clothes Closet: trashed
The Side of the Bed You Sleep On (from the on-the-bed perspective): left
A Flavor You Love: cheesy
Your Car: beast
The Last Thing You Misplaced: mind
Your High School Mascot: Spartan
Your Wasted Talent: talent?

* Did I tell you that I cut off all of my hair? Because I did. Chopped it all off way back in January, the same day that I got a call from Jack, telling me "Hey, remember how you thought your house was going to sell? Yeah, not so much." So now it's at about chin length. Which is not exactly long enough for even the most pathetic ponytail. Which did not stop me from searching for a holder (elastic? band?) for ten minutes. Perhaps my mind has been packed already & I will discover it after we move.

Forget the Beer, It's Time for Bourbon

2007-03-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Stacy (why didn't someone tell me about the wonder & joy that is Jurgen Nation?) & the utter chaos that is my life right now, I've decided to share the most wonderful thing in the world* with you: my recipe for Bourbon Slush. You're welcome.

Bourbon Slush

2 cups of freshly brewed, strong tea

1 (6 ounce) can frozen orange juice concentrate
1 (12 ounce) can frozen lemonade concentrate
1 .5 cups white sugar

7 cups water
3-ish cups bourbon whiskey (3 cups, 5 cups, who's counting?)
7-Up
grenadine or maraschino cherry juice, to taste

In a large, freezer-safe container, mix together the tea, juice & lemonade concentrates, sugar, water & whiskey. Freeze.

(This is the hard part. It will take at least 24 hours to freeze. And if you are like me, you have absolutely no patience & will not want to wait an entire day for your slush. (You lush.) I have learned two things. One: it is wise to always have slush made so you never have to wait. Two: if for some reason you find yourself sans slush because of all the things going on in your life that are requiring you to drink copious amounts of bourbon in the first place, it helps to distract yourself with chocolate or George Clooney or something equally delicious.)

Once the mixture is frozen, use a metal spoon to break up the block o' bourbon into slush. Some people would advise you to wait 10 minutes or so to allow it to thaw a bit. These people obviously have more patience than I do because hello! I've already waited at least 24 hours, I'm not made of stone! Besides, I think of that little bit of extra effort as exercise, which I'm sure we could all use considering the massive amounts of bourbon we are about to consume. So anyway, then fill your glass about three-quarters of the way with slush, add grenadine to taste & top with 7-Up. Garnish with a cherry. Voilà! Welcome to Bourbon Heaven!

*Except for maybe Chocolate Therapy. And sleep. And food you neither have to cook or unwrap. And sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. And never having to paint ever, ever again. So, okay, maybe Bourbon Slush isn't THE most wonderful thing (and, to be fair, those other things may just be my own personal cravings), but it' s pretty damn good. Now, do I distract myself with truffles or The Clooney?

Constructive Use of Time

2007-03-05T10:50:00.000-05:00

Because with just thirteen days (THIRTEEN DAYS!!!) left until The Move, I have nothing better to do than uncover my VisualDNA. Focus, Shawn. FOCUS. (Thanks, Missy!)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

This Never Happens on the T

2007-03-02T13:58:00.000-05:00

Concert sauvage dans le métro !
Uploaded by lapapsprod

Love the middle-aged white woman getting her groove on in the background.

Bring on the Green Beer

2007-02-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

I just now realized - right this very second, because I am that on top of things - that there are only eighteen days left until Moving Day.

Eighteen.

Days.

Which, the last time I checked, was less than three weeks, which is less than a month, which would still be no where near enough time to get even half of this stuff done. Not enough time to paint our ginormous foyer, three bedrooms & the entire third floor of the new place. Not enough time to find, purchase & install window coverings for all nineteen windows in the house, including two that we just discovered are leaking. Not enough time to fix all of the things the previous owners screwed up / didn't disclose. Not enough time to find, interview for & obtain my Dream Job (or even to figure out what that may be). Not enough time to track down new people who may be willing to help us move now that most of the original recruits are unavailable. Certainly not enough time to pack up the rest of my house (including the attic, where I have been throwing random crap for the past 5.5 years, and apparently said crap has in some way multiplied or something because oh my hell, where did all of this stuff come from?).

On the positive side, in nineteen days, this will all be behind us.

Anyone want to meet me on the 18th for a belated St. Patrick's Day celebration???

FINALLY!

2007-02-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

Thank God, St. Joseph & all of y'all that have been thinking happy thoughts for us: our house is officially SOLD! And we closed on our new place too. The relief is overwhelming. Or it was for about 15 minutes.

Then I started thinking about painting. And repairs. And packing up over 1,800 sq. ft. of crap. And moving 1,800 sq. ft. of crap 80 miles away. In what is likely to be the worst blizzard in a century, if history teaches us anything. And then UNpacking 1,800 sq. ft. of crap. (Once we dig out from the blizzard.) And finding people to help us move. (Anyone? We are not picky. We are also not above recruiting burly men off the street.) And finding a new job. And dealing with my old job for the next month. And moving away from my family. And, and, and . . . you have no idea how much fun it is, living inside my head. Even at the happiest of times, I can always find something to obsess about.

But! We love our new place. Have I mentioned that we have four bathrooms? Four! There are two I haven't even peed in yet! (TMI?) I used to live just a few miles away & I can't wait to revisit all of my old haunts, not to mention discover new ones. Oh, and I know I am the biggest dork in the whole entire world for admitting this, but you guys? The world's most glorious grocery store is just down the road. No, seriously. We stopped in on Saturday just to pick up some milk & stuff, and I totally could have wandered around all night. Helpful staff! Ginormous bakery! A bewildering selection of luscious cheese! And the pièce de résistance - a gourmet candy boutique, including a vast assortment of artisan chocolate. So if it all gets to be too much, you know where to find me.

Where Did I Pack the Wine?

2007-02-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

Remember how I discussed my boss? About how he's a sexual harassment case waiting to happen? And how my work environment is toxic? And how I can't wait to quit? Well, I didn't think it was possible, but it has gotten markedly worse during the past week. I don't want to delve into the details, because that would require that I relive the whole mind-numbing, soul-crushing mess. I also don't want to talk about how my house isn't officially sold yet, or about the obscene amount of money we spent on paint this week, or about why I packed all of the liquor and books and anything else of any vague importance already, and yet my bathing suits, formalwear & evening bags are all readily accessible. (Perhaps I am hoping to be surprised with a cruise?) And finally, I am not going to discuss the mountains of snow that fell on us within the past few days, or the negative-twenty-degrees-without-the-wind-chill temperatures, which appeared just in time for us to attempt to move. But I will share the worst part of the past week: I haven't had the time to read any blogs.

I KNOW! Horrible, right? But at least that explains why I am four days behind on One-Word Sarcomical Sunday #4. (One word answers only!)

Feeling: Shredded
Thinking About: Moving
Your Family History: Complicated
The Last Person You Had "Words" With: Boss
Want To Fly Away To: Beach
Hate the Sight Of: Office
The Sport Whose Players Turn You On: Hockey
Favorite Color Ink: Black
American Idol Judge Who Irritates You Most: Randy
Place You Thought Monsters Hid When You Were Little: Basement
Favorite Spice or Herb: Basil
What You Like for Breakfast: Bacon
Your Living Room Couch: Beckoning
Most Recent Purchase: Paint
Hours You Typically Sleep On Weeknights: Sevenish
Something You Dislike: Ignorance
A Favorite Color: Green
Your Snack When Willpower Is Nonexistent: Doughnuts
Your Bedsheets: Striped
The Part of Your Face You Scrunch Most Often: Nose
The Last Thing You Thought Was Funny: Cheesoning
What You're Going To Do Now: Sleep

Good night!

Stupid Mercury

2007-02-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

Since I last posted, lots of things have happened, some which pertained to the sale & purchase of various homes, none of which I'm inclined to write about (you should thank me), but all of which have made me think that Teacher Lady knew what she was talking about. A quote she sent me from an astrology website reads:

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

Yes! YES! Finally! An explanation! Well, okay, maybe that doesn't explain everything that's been going on around here lately. But I would prefer to think that Mercury is the issue rather than question whether God is punishing me for something heinous I did in a past life. Or maybe this is my punishment for stealing Brynna's Strawberry Shortcake doll in the first grade. But I returned it! And apologized!

Anywho, the short version of This Weekend in Real Estate is: lots of things happened and yet very little progress was made. But! There appears to be light at the end of the tunnel! Again! This is the longest tunnel in the world. (Actually, the longest tunnel is Laerdal Tunnel in Norway, and yes, I did have to look it up. It's a sickness, I can't help it. I am a slave to trivial knowledge.)

While we're (vaguely) on the subject, I have been group-tagged by Amalah & Miss Zoot for the Most Popular Meme of the Year. So here it is, Six Weird Things About Me:

I have to match. Have to. My underwear has to match, both each other & what I'm wearing, even if I'm just wearing pajamas. And my socks & / or slippers have to match my pjs too. Always.
I once translated a New Kids on the Block song into French. And then performed it, complete with choreographed dance moves, in front of 25 people. I should add that this was an assignment for my high school French class, it's not like this is my idea of a good time. Although I seem to recall that I was the one who picked the song. Give me a break, it was the 80s. I liked Milli Vanilli too. At least I never had a mullet.
When I was young, my eyes were blue & my hair was stick-straight. When I hit puberty, my eyes changed to green & my hair became curly.
I lived on a farm for a few years, starting when I was eight. My cousin Jason and I collected the eggs from the chickens, played in the horse barn & caught frogs for fun. This is only weird if you consider the fact that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Fan of Nature (remember, this is where the dirt and bugs live). I'm not sure what possessed me during those two years. Come to think of it, our house was widely rumored to be haunted . . .
When I was 27, I developed a severe lactose allergy. The slightest bit of lactose (including the tiny amount found in medication) resulted in vomiting and, well, extreme gastrointestinal distress. Two years later, after I separated from my ex-husband, my symptoms suddenly became much less severe, and they have now all but disappeared.
Raw poultry makes me gag. Years ago, I attempted to make a turkey. This required the use of rubber gloves, several kitchen towels and innumerable utensils. Never again.

Your turn!

Is It Over Yet?

2007-02-08T19:29:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all of the nice people (well, all two of you that I don't know IRL) who have inquired about my health & well-being. I am still alive & kicking (ask anyone who has had the misfortune to get in my way recently), but it's been one hell of a month.

Only one week into it & February is kicking. my. ass.

My office computer's hard drive decided that this was a good week to spontaneously combust (figuratively speaking), taking every little bit of information it contained along for the ride. I did have a back-up CD, although I hadn't actually updated it since just before Christmas. (Yes, I know, bad Shawn. Believe me, I've learned my lesson.) Turns out, it doesn't matter because that disk is MIA. Of course it is. Why was I even surprised? What didn't surprise me was the complete and utter lack of any kind of customer service from Dell. (Except for the charming & sympathetic William. Chris, if I ever leave you, I will be with William in the Philippines. He assures me the beaches are quite something.) I spoke to six people in four days, which is how long it took to receive a new hard drive that was "overnighted" on Monday. In the meantime, my boss decided that he would rather pay me sit at my desk and do, quite literally, nothing, rather than let me go home and work from there. And if you thought I was neurotic before, when I had things like deadlines and responsibilities to distract me? You have no idea how neurotic I can truly be when I have unlimited time to do nothing but think.

And I had plenty to think about, real estate-wise. I cannot even begin to address all of the issues that have come up with the sale of our house within the past week. But I would like to mention that every single one of them has been a result of some incompetent asshat not doing his or her job. I am so frustrated and sick of people right now, I haven't even been reading blogs. I KNOW! Can't get much worse than that, right? At one point earlier this week, I told Chris that I was considering a career change. To Unabomber. Not because of the whole letter bomb thing (although a few appraisers / Realtors / loan officers should be verrrrry careful right now. Kidding! I'm kidding! Please don't send the FBI to my house. Unless they would like to help us move, in which case we'll take any help we can get.), but because of the whole isolation-from-society-thing. Of course then I remembered that he lived in some little shack in the woods, and you know how I feel about Nature, which is where the dirt and bugs live. And besides, that would probably mean that I'd have to live more than 15 minutes from a Target, and, well, that's just completely unacceptable.

But don't worry, real estate didn't consume my every waking thought. There was my insurance company, whose claims line is apparently staffed by automatons that are only able to say, "You can find that information on the website," - which would be fine if I hadn't already looked on the website, which was woefully bereft of any kind of helpful information. Then there was my dentist, who would not release my x-rays and records on the grounds that "then the office won't have a copy", completely disregarding that new-fangled concept of photocopying. And let's not forget the utility company that attempted to hold me responsible for a delinquency from 12 years ago. In case you're wondering? The utility company supervisor could not possibly care less if you were living at the address at the time, or even in the same state, or if someone stole your identity, or if you have proof of all of the above, or even if Holy Mother of God, it was 12 years ago, are you kidding me? What he does care about is finding out that you work with two attorneys & are going to need his name in order to file a complaint. It's amazing how quickly that gets things cleared up. Oh, and did I mention that someone loosened / removed the lug nuts on my mom's tire? Luckily, the temperatures were well below zero over the past week and she wasn't been zipping around as much as usual (her last name should have been Andretti) before it was discovered. Otherwise . . . well, I'm trying not to think too much about what could have happened. Or about what kind of twisted person does something like that on purpose.

And, frankly, the Rolaids aren't helping, we're almost out of truffles*, I already packed my books & the liquor (I don't know what I was thinking either) & I've taken so many bubble baths, I look like a Shar-Pei puppy. I'm out of ideas, patience & fortitude. Do you think it would be possible to sleep through the rest of the month?

* Or as I refer to them, Chocolate Therapy. Unfortunately, Mary is rudely hoarding them for herself. Even more unfortunately, she needs them at least as much as I do. February is kicking everyone's ass.

Proof That I am the Normal One Here

2007-02-02T14:27:00.000-05:00

Co-worker
I'm running out for a little bit.

Me
Okay.

Co-worker
I'll be back in about 20 minutes.

Me
Okay.

Co-worker
School just let out & I have to go hide.

Me
(Stop working & turn to look at co-worker, certain that I have misunderstood her.)

Co-worker
Someone keeps knocking over the snowmen in my front yard
& I think it's one of the neighborhood kids.

Me
. . .

Co-worker
So I'm going to hide in my neighbor's yard & try to catch them.

Me
. . .

Co-worker
Otherwise, I'll have to stay up all night tonight to do it.

Me
(Suddenly understand how it is possible that this woman had
an accident with a parked car. Twice.)

And Another Thing

2007-02-01T16:04:00.000-05:00

This is the funniest thing I have seen all year. Even better than KFed, I swear. Thank God for my insane but entertaining co-worker, Brian, who discovered this. I am so inviting Bubb Rubb & L'il Sis over for the holidays. Woo woooooo!

The Mind Boggles

2007-02-01T15:57:00.000-05:00

Wait. KFed is . . . amusing? Self-deprecating? Not completely & utterly useless?

Damn.

Thoughts

2007-01-30T15:10:00.000-05:00

When are we going to close when are we going to close when are we going to close . . .

We SHOULD HAVE closed last week, except for the Twin Asshats, also known as Jack "oops, I forgot all about you & did absolutely nothing with this file for the past month" Loan Officer & Jill (also not her real name), the Incompetent Appraiser.

If Jill does not sign off on the (spurious) conditions she placed on the loan & which resulted in Chris & I spending last Saturday outside in the cold & snow, replacing the (perfectly good) ceiling on our patio (lest an errant child climb up there & ingest paint chips that have a .0001% chance of being toxic anyway), I will kill her myself.

Holy run-on sentence, Batman. And when did I become addicted to parentheses?

We will be spending every single cent we have in savings within the next few weeks, and will still need to sell a kidney, or one of my co-workers, on eBay to get this mess wrapped up.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could sell one of my co-workers on eBay? Talk about a win-win.

Even though we will have no money & I will not be able to buy anything pretty, or sparkly, or really anything at all (not even shoes!) for quite a long time, I will be happy to hand over every single cent we have just to be done with this already. Perhaps I have mentioned this once or twice or 500 times already.

Probably I shouldn't buy anymore shoes any way.

Four dozen pairs of shoes doesn't seem like a lot until you have to move them.

It's amazing what you decide you can live without when you are faced with the prospect of moving it.

Why did I buy a donut maker? Did I forget about the sheer heaven known as Krispy Kreme, the gloriousness of which I could never hope to duplicate? More importantly, how am I going to convince someone in my family to take the donut maker? Because I know that I won't be able to just throw it away (it's practically brand-new!) & yet it seems rather silly to move it (not like I'm going to use it in the new place either).

Maybe I can wrap it up & regift it for someone's birthday. Then they have to take it. Hey, Anthony, act surprised when you unwrap your new donut maker!

Speaking of surprises . . . our accountant (AKA my boss' wife, who does not in any way, shape or form have any kind of formal training in this area, or even the slightest bit of aptitude for this type of work but also doesn't charge by the hour the way the real accountant does) screwed up the amount of taxes withheld last year, which means that not only will I not be getting that little bit of extra money from the IRS (which, you may have guessed, we are in desperate need of right about now), but will actually OWE money. Perfect.

I think I need a Mental Health Day. (No comments please re: how it is quite obviously too late for that.)

I can't wait 'til I don't have to put up with my boss' inappropriate comments any more. Case in point: on Friday, he referred to the snowy conditions as "baby-making weather" & continued that there would be a lot of "pokin' going on" that night. No, I am not joking. Trust me when I tell you that my sense of humor is much more advanced than that. Please note that this is nowhere near the most inappropriate thing he has said to me. I believe that honor would go to the time he told me that he didn't like my tone (the phrase "little missy" implied but not actually spoken) & that (here's the good part, are you ready?) I needed to be spanked. !!!!!!!! Believe me, "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Let's not think about it anymore & instead look at the pretty snow . . .

What About X?

2007-01-26T12:20:00.000-05:00

Thank GOD! A meme! A blissful break from real estate hell! Thanks to Nicole for this one. Edited to add: what does it say about me that I noticed immediately that the "X" is missing & that I'm tremendously disturbed by this fact? That I need therapy? Well, that's not exactly a revelation, is it?

A - Available or married? Married. To Chris, the Best Husband in the World.
B - Best Friend? Chris, Mary, my mom.
C - Cake or Pie? Pie. Specifically apple, peach or pumpkin.
D - Drink of Choice? The three Ms: margaritas, mimosas & mojitos. Sans alcohol, I prefer tea (hot or iced) & water.
E - Essential Item? Manicures, mascara & lip gloss.
F - Favorite Color? I don't have one.
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Neither would be my candy of choice.
H - Hometown? Suburban Ohio.
I - Indulgence? Coach, Tiffany, shoes, sleeping late.
J - January or February? Neither. I do not enjoy winter. (Understatement!)
K - Kids & names? None.
L - Life is incomplete without? Family & friends. And cats.
M - Marriage Date? October 22.
N - Number of Siblings? None.
O - Oranges or apples? Both, & virtually any other kind of fruit too.
P - Phobias/Fears? Driving.
Q - Favorite Quote? From A. P. Herbert: The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
R - Reason to Smile? I have so many!
S - Season? Spring.
T - Tag three people! Mary, Melissa, Teacher Lady. And I'll add an extra too - my new friend Kimmy.
U - Unknown fact about me: I've been watching the American Idol auditions for the past two weeks. And making Chris watch too. I am so ashamed. If this continues, I hope my friends stage an intervention.
V - Vegetable you hate? Lima beans, yuck!
W - Worst habit? Worrying.
Y - Your favorite food? Italian, Chinese, crabcakes, gelato, Belgian waffles & bacon, the truffles Mary sent to Chris (Oh. my. God. Luscious!), Krispy Kreme original glazed, pizza from Mario's, the Asagio cheese dip from Rock Bottom, lobster bisque from Oscar's, Primanti's cheesesteak . . . can you tell I haven't had anything to eat yet today?
Z - Zodiac? Virgo. But I'm not a perfectionist or anything.

Seriously, what happened to the X???

Edited (again) to add: Thank you, Nicole, for humoring me!

X - X-rays you've had? X-rated videos of you anywhere? Aside from dental, I don't remember having any x-rays taken. I did have an MRI once, so I have concrete proof that there is a brain inside my head & it seems to be functioning properly for the most part. As for the latter: No! And: Ew!

Cuteness

2007-01-25T12:28:00.000-05:00

Aren't these baby pandas just about the cutest things ever?

And more importantly, where do I get one?

EDITED TO ADD: Yeah, I think the Xanax finally kicked in.

Pharmaceuticals Required

2007-01-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

Poppy & Daffodil cancelled today's appointment too. I think Poppy has some issues.

Their new loan rep, who is quite honestly on his way to becoming one of My Favorite People in the World, told them that I may kill them if they don't get their shit together (he may have phrased it a bit differently), so supposedly Daffodil is dropping off the documentation needed to process their app by the end of the day.

Xanax, anyone?

More Waiting . . .

2007-01-24T11:21:00.000-05:00

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill
The buyers (whom I have decided to call Poppy & Daffodil for reasons that would make sense to no one but me, but that I find infinitely amusing) were supposed to meet with their new financing rep on Monday. They called an hour before their appointment to cancel & insisted that they couldn't reschedule until today, Wednesday. Which is fine. 'Cause, you know, it's not like I'm dying a little bit inside as I wait to find out if the light at the end of the tunnel has been completely extinguished. Take your time! No rush! At this point, I'm pretty much used to insomnia, hives, heartburn & the complete deterioration of my stomach lining.

Somehow, I think Poppy & Daffodil are impervious to sarcasm, just as they reject nebulous concepts such as contract deadlines.

On a more serious note, I just want to clarify something. I know that, in the overall scheme of things, this is not The Worst Thing Ever. Believe me, I know. I had a brief but nightmarish & soul-sucking first marriage. My independent, amazing grandmother died after an agonizing battle with ALS. I was there when my brilliant & talented 25-year-old cousin succumbed to Hodgkin's disease. So, trust me, I have an acute awareness of what's really important. And if this is the worst thing that Chris & I face in our life together, we will be damn lucky. That said, right now the sale of our house is all that is standing between us & our future. Once it sells, I never have to speak to my ex-husband, or his incompetent attorney, again. I can find a job I love (or at least don't hate) that rewards me for my enthusiasm, knowledge & skills &, hey, maybe even offers medical insurance so I don't go into a deep panic every time either of us has the slightest ailment. Chris can experience the joys of a 20-minute commute & forget all about spending in excess of 60 hours per month just driving to & from his office. Not to mention saving the equivalent of the GNP of Burundi on gas. Plus we will be within 20 miles of IKEA and Sephora and Coach. (Not that I will have any money to shop, but that's hardly the point.)

And if that doesn't give you some indication of the Importance of this, nothing will.

Craptastic

2007-01-21T22:00:00.000-05:00

Oh, Lord, ya'll. I don't even know where to start.

In a nutshell: there are some issues impeding the sale of our house. They're not especially large issues, but they are prickly. Without going into details which no one really wants to hear &, frankly, I don't feel like rehashing, the buyers were misled by their mortgage rep. (Let's call him Jack. I don't feel like typing out "Jackass" every time.) The problem isn't the buyers' ability to obtain financing or anything of that nature, just that the program that Jack recommended to them was ill-advised. Another problem is Jack should have known about these issues & addressed them weeks ago, but somehow forgot all about the file until I called to check in with him on Thursday morning. We went from "Yes, everything's fine, we should close on time. In fact, you reminded me that I need to call the buyers to get some paperwork from them" to "Um, yeah, remember how I said that everything was fine? What I meant was, I have some new hoops for you & the buyers to jump through" a few hours later. And by Friday afternoon, after I spent the rest of Thursday & all of Friday on the phone, trying desperately to fix this, he had pretty much decided that those hoops were now going to be 50 feet off the ground & on fire.

So.

Not sure exactly what is going to happen now. We spent the majority of the weekend packing & are going to assume that somehow, someway this will work out & this is just a bump in the (already pretty damn bumpy) road. I'm not sure what we are supposed to be learning from this latest serving of stress & frustration, but I will say that I am no longer concerned with the amount of money we have to take to closing. I will gladly hand over every single cent we have in savings just for this to end and for our lives to move forward. I believe this is what's known as "perspective". Also known as "nothing like life biting you in the ass for you to realize what's really important".

Oh No

2007-01-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

It has just occurred to me that some time in the not-too-distant future, I will probably be looking for a new job. It also occurred to me that my new job will presumably not enable me to spend an hour or so every day catching up on my 30+ favorite blogs & browsing etsy.

Hold me.

The 2007 Golden Globes

2007-01-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

Or, How I Avoided Actual Work For the 8th Consecutive Day

I could pretend that I packed whole rooms full of crap, whipped my house into some semblance of order & generally accomplished Something of Vague Importance last night, but what would be the point? I'm sure you would guess that there's no way in Hell that happened. Instead, I watched the Golden Globes, because hello! George Clooney was a presenter! Surely you don't think I could miss that. Well, okay, he was like the first presenter, so technically I could have turned it off at that point & cleaned or something similarly unappealing, but . . . um, yeah. I didn't. How could I turn off the train wreck that the GG always promises to be? As it turned out, I thought Hugh Laurie was quite amusing, Maria Menounos was painfully awkward & Reese Witherspoon was gorgeous, although I wasn't 100% in love with her dress. At least it wasn't as horrifying as the pink nightmare that the poor misguided actress from Babel wore. Did she throw it together with bath poofs from the hotel?

However, that monstrosity pales in comparison to the terrifying spectacle I witnessed during one break in the festivities. Did anyone else see the new Orville Deadenbacher commercial? *shudder* In case you didn't, it features a digitally-recreated version of the long-deceased popcorn guru. According to this article, new technology makes it possible for "directors to create and use completely believable . . . authentic digital human with detail, personality and close-up realism." I can only assume that the director (David Fincher, of Seven & Fight Club fame, oddly enough) didn't view the finished product. It would have been far more life-like & less disturbing if they had actually dug up Mr. Redenbacher himself. I wish I could link to it, but I can't seem to find it online. (The commercial, not the dead guy. Is it possible that something exists in the world that can't be found online?) It's probably just as well. I think I'm already scarred from the initial experience. I may never eat popcorn again.

Monday Already?

2007-01-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

What happened to the weekend? Surely it can't be over already! But I didn't get anything done! No packing. No cleaning. Certainly no laundry. No selling-of-miscellaneous-household-crap-on-various-websites. How can I be so overwhelmingly exhausted when I didn't accomplish anything in the past 48 hours? This week is not starting off well. Maybe this will motivate me . . . one word answers are about all I'm capable of anyway.

This Moment: exhausted
Your Shoes: pointy
Craving: energy
The State of Your Home: disorganized
Annoyed By: office
Noise In the Background: rain
Really Want To: sleep
Thinking About: responsibilities
Your Keyboard: wireless
Smelling: candle
Favorite Product In Office Supply Aisle: pens
Don't Ever Want To: settle
Your Eye Color: green
The Weather: bleak
Have Never Tried: curry
Think Everyone Should Try: courtesy
Last Vacation Destination: zoo
The Last Thing You Had to Drink: tea
Your Bad Habit: worrying
What You're Going To Do Now: work

Ha! Okay, I'm going to try to do something that vaguely resembles work, how about that? And then maybe I'll eat some chocolate. For the energy boost.

I think I'm going to need a lot more chocolate.

Feast #126

2007-01-12T10:00:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
What comes to mind when you see the color orange?
Pumpkins.

SOUP
Did you ever get in trouble while you were in school? If so, what was it for?
I adored my kindergarten teacher & wrote "I love Miss Brocolli" in permanent red marker all over the trash can. And then I lied when she asked me if I did it. Unfortunately, I was the only kid in class who could write cursive, so she knew it was me, & I got in trouble for lying. I must have been traumatized by the whole ordeal, because I was fairly well-behaved after that. Or, at least I learned not to get caught since I'm such a terrible liar!

SALAD
Which topping(s) make up your perfect pizza?
Cheese, mushrooms, bacon & sometimes black olives. My Favorite Pizza Ever is from a place called Mario's Woodfire Pizzeria in Pennsylvania. It's a white pizza with just olive oil, three different kinds of cheese & fresh basil & it is heavenly. I think I see a road trip in my future . . .

MAIN COURSE
Do you believe in UFOs/aliens/etc.? Why or why not?
Well, I am willing to consider the possibility that there may be life on other planets. However, I don't think that aliens are coming down to Earth, abducting frumpy housewives from North Dakota & having their way with them on a space ship.

DESSERT
What color is your bedspread/comforter/quilt?
Sage green.

Join the Feast!

What I Have Learned This Week

2007-01-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

And isn't it nice of me to pass my vast, hard-earned knowledge on to you? You're welcome.

Yes, it is possible to have the exact same bronchial infection twice in one season.
No, going to the doctor at the first sign of symptoms will not stop said bronchitis from knocking you on your ass, nor will it lessen the severity or longevity of the symptoms. You will just be $30 poorer.
The noxious "butterscotch flavored" liquid that your doctor prescribes does not, in fact, taste remotely like butterscotch or anything else even vaguely palatable, will make you shudder every single time you take it & will not lessen the severity or longevity of the symptoms.
Benadryl is your friend. It will not lessen the severity or longevity of the symptoms either, but you will be too looped to care. Must be taken while lying down, preferably somewhere you don't mind spending the next 6 to 8 hours.
Prime time television, even basketball & SpikeTV, is positively fascinating when you're delusional.
And finally, yes, even a #1 ranked, undefeated team can completely disintegrate in front of your eyes & throw away the most important game of the season. I still love you, Coach Tressel!

Needless to say, I have been even less productive than usual this week. Laundry? What's that? You mean that pile of clothes that I washed & dryed & then left sitting in the basket for 2 days so that it is so hopelessly wrinkled, it will all have to be washed & dried again? Yeah, I guess laundry needs to be done. And cleaning, which I can tell you now isn't going to happen. Plus I have a whole mess of wedding stuff to list on eBay or craigslist (only 14 months after the wedding, way to stay on top of things!*), birthday presents to wrap for two nieces & of course our house isn't going to pack itself. Because the house? It is lazy. I, however, am going to get motivated & get some of this crap done. As soon as I run out of Benadryl.

*Anyone need a custom-made strapless wedding dress or twelve grapevine-&-some-kind-of-berry-type-thing pew decorations? Anyone? No? Damn.

Clarification

2007-01-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know it said one word responses only, but - seriously, rémoulade as my favorite condiment? Could I possibly be any more pretentious? Well, yes, actually I could, I am such a snob sometimes. But I just had to say in my own defense that I have been dying for crab cakes lately (or, more accurately, as usual) & a spicy, creamy rémoulade dipping sauce just makes them so much better. Which is why I can't make crab cakes at home. Every recipe for rémoulade has at least 297 ingredients, some of which I have never even heard of. (What the hell is cornichon & do I have to mince it myself or does it come prepared that way?) And I have a steadfast rule that I only use recipes that require six ingredients or less, all of which are commonly found in my kitchen. (Read: not cornichons.)

I'm not really sure why I felt the urge to clarify this. I think it may have something to do with the teetering pile of paperwork currently looming over me, threatening to collapse and bury me until Easter. I have the theory that if I ignore it long enough, it will take care of itself, which, come to think of it, is pretty much Chris' theory on laundry & house cleaning. And that normally works for him. I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh, & by the way? The real answer is probably mayonnaise.

Saved

2007-01-08T13:58:00.000-05:00

Whew! Just when I thought I would have to come up with words that actually string together to make a coherent sentence, Melissa the Sarcomical came up with another one-word meme. And thus, intelligible blogging can be avoided for yet another day!

You Just Finished: coughing
The Weather Outside: flurries
Character On Your Childhood Lunchbox: Tink
Your Mood: tired
Britney Spears: trashy
Favorite Place In the House: bed
Proud To Be: empathetic
Favorite Condiment: rémoulade
Food Indulgence: truffles
Scent You Hate: gardenia
Most Recent Purchase: groceries
American Idol: incessant
Last Part of Your Body Injured: nail
Your Desk: organized
Favorite Kind of Juice: orange
Animal That Freaks You Out: rodent
People Irritate You When They: interrupt
Your First Kiss: forgettable
Your Last Meal: pizza
You'd Rather Be: moving
The Future: change
Hate To Look At: suffering
The Ocean: immense
Time Since You Got Up and Left The Computer: hours

Avoid your email, I will be tagging!

Feast #125

2007-01-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
Which celebrity (or celebrities) do you think will make headlines this year?
The Paris / Britney / Lindsay crowd, because they cannot seem to function
without constant attention.

SOUP
They say that good things come in small packages.
What is something little that you think is great?
That little robin's egg blue Tiffany box always makes me happy!

SALAD
Name a song that makes you want to dance.
Kanye West's Gold Digger & Justin Timberlake's SexyBack.

MAIN COURSE
What is your favorite font?
Chopinscript, copperplate gothic, dear joe four, hill house, mutlu ornamental, renaissance, scriptina, wendy medium . . . no way I could pick just one,
I am a font junkie!

DESSERT
If you were to write a do-it-yourself article, what would it be about?
Drawing a blank on this one. Making cream puffs?

Join the Feast!

Holiday Hangover

2006-12-29T14:09:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else just completely useless this week? I don't feel like I've been at all productive, either at home or at the office. Or, I should say, I've been even less productive than usual. Laundry needs done, Christmas presents need put away, I can't even remember the last time I vacuumed & the computer room is full of empty boxes and random piles of crap waiting to be sorted and packed. I just can't seem to motivate myself. I did manage to make dinner the past two nights though. Wait, does Kraft mac & cheese count? Since Chris requested it, I'm going to say it counts. I love a man who, when asked what he wants for dinner, asks for things like mac & cheese or pot pies. Especially since, when he asks me, I want things like pasta frittata or stir fry, things that require an hour of prep time. Hey, wait a second. It just occured to me that perhaps his requests have less to do with his easy-going nature & more to do with my lackluster cooking skills. Hmmm.

Well, anyway, I am looking forward to having the whole long weekend to lie around like third base. Which, as you may recall, is one of my very favorite things to do. The most exciting thing on our agenda is possibly renting movies and watching them while consuming vast amounts of unhealthy food . Then maybe we'll play some games, toast the New Year (yay, champagne!) & pass out by 12:05. Although I think last year, we managed to stay awake long enough to hit the McD's drive-through at 1 am. Whooo! We're practically rock stars, we're so wild.

Speaking of rock stars (sort of) / staying up late, guess what we did last night? No, you perverts, guess again. All right, I'll just tell you. We stayed up until one in the morning watching 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders on VH-1. Oh, yes, we did. And that's not the worst of it. The worst part is . . . we've seen it before. It's not like there was going to be some kind of musical revelation involved. We just couldn't. stop. watching. Actually, maybe the worst part is that we got so caught up in it, we considered going online to look up even more information. Only pure, unadulterated laziness (and being pinned in bed by two cats who get Very Cranky when you disturb them) kept us from logging onto Napster at midnight, just to listen to more Ratt, House of Pain & Vickie Sue Robinson. God help us. So you can see how playing Trivial Pursuit and watching Little Miss Sunshine & or, Lord, even Jackass Number Two would be a vast improvement on what we normally do.

My New Year's Resolution is to get a slightly more exciting life.

Can I Have That in Cash, Please?

2006-12-29T12:06:00.000-05:00

My blog is worth $2,258.16.
How much is your blog worth?

Feast #124

2006-12-29T09:21:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
How do you usually celebrate on New Year's Eve?
Chris & I have started a tradition over the past few years. We stay home, watch movies, play games and eat & drink until we're a bit sick. So it's remarkably like a normal weekend, except that we can usually see fireworks from our front yard.

SOUP
Name one thing unexpected that happened to you in 2006.
We didn't expect to do any traveling, but ended up going to Toronto, Niagara Falls, Detroit, Cleveland &, of course, Pittsburgh. (You know, all the Hot Spots.) Which segues nicely into . . .

SALAD
Where was your favorite place that you visited in 2006?
Toronto, definitely. LOVED it!

MAIN COURSE
What resolution is your top priority for 2007?
No resolutions yet. I should resolve to worry less, but that may be futile. I should also resolve to lose 10 lbs., but since I'm already planning on eating my weight in cheese
& chocolate on New Year's Eve, that's probably futile as well. I'll have to give this one
some more thought.

DESSERT
Using just three words, describe 2006.
Stressful, frustrating, eventful.
I'm looking forward to 2007!

Join the Feast!

You May Call Me "The Duchess"

2006-12-28T14:26:00.000-05:00

I've never really liked my given name, & now I know why. Clearly I should have been named:

Her Excellency
The Duchess Shawn the Expensive
of Withering Glance
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Now if I could just get my husband to address me by this name . . .

Christmas Spirits

2006-12-27T20:17:00.000-05:00

So, I never asked: how was your Christmas? Mine was lovely, thanks. We still spent far too much time in transit, but it was infinitely better than last year, when we attempted to celebrate in two different states at three different homes (none of them ours) in 24 hours. I believe that was also the year when Chris "closed his eyes for a second" and almost drove off the road. So, yeah, this was better.

The night before Christmas Eve (Christmas Eve Eve?), we had dinner at Mom's with my extended family. Lasagna, four different kinds of pizza, salad, wine, mimosas (yes, we know the mimosas don't really "go" with lasagna; we just don't care) & enough chocolate, cookies & pastries to feed a small country for a week. The wine may have contributed to a rousing discussion about Catholic guilt, movies the Pope would enjoy & how none of us could have, um, shall we say, marital relations, if we lived in a converted church.

My cousin Billy. Cute, amusing, Ivy League graduate . . .
wearing a Green Lantern t-shirt that was one of the more normal things on his Christmas list.
We will never be able to get this boy a date. He maintains that with a family like ours,
he would have to be crazy to bring a girl home. I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about.
Hi, Bean!

We spent Christmas Eve with Chris' family. More wine, more pasta, a similarly ridiculous amount of cookies & chocolate, PLUS the traditional Italian Feast of the Seven Fishes. Oh, and let's not forget the bourbon slush. Between Chris' two siblings, there are seven children in the family, five under the age of eight, so chaos can erupt at any given time. Fortunately, we can always depend on the A Christmas Story marathon to lull them into an after-dinner stupor.

And, finally, Christmas Day at my step-sister's. There was food, lots of food, but what I'm remembering is wine. And egg nog. And Crown Royal. And, of course, mimosas. And then, by the end of the night, there were many shots of Jager offered in celebration of "the baby Jesus' birthday". The kids (only six of them on this side!) had a good time, or at least they didn't seem to mind too much when we appropriated their coloring books & Connect Four for our own use.

But by the end of the night, even the dog was digusted with us.

Go away.
I think next year, we're all going straight to rehab for the holidays.

Cheers!

Welcome to Meme-ville

2006-12-27T14:27:00.000-05:00

So anyone want to hear a little bit more about real estate? No? Well, that's good because, believe me, between work & our house, I would be delighted to never have to think about real estate ever again. Unfortunately, between work & our house (yeah, okay, mostly our house), that's virtually all I can think about these days. Worse, that only leaves me with the ability to entertain (using that term loosely) you by either continuing to bitch about real estate ad nauseam or concentrating solely on memes, which require only a limited amount of brain power.

Aaaaaaand memes it is!

This one is kind of like the I Never game that we played in college, minus the hangover. To play, copy & paste onto your blog & bold the ones that are true. Have you ever . . .

smoked a cigarette - I hate the smell of smoke, but believe it or not, this one is true. I did a lot of things in college that don't make much sense now; smoking half of a cigarette is the least of it!
crashed a friend's car
stolen a car
been in love
been dumped - I wish. There's a quote I like from The War of the Roses (LOVE that movie!): "There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hang on to someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?" I've always been stuck with the ones who won't go.
shoplifted - I was quite the klepto as a small child, so it's entirely possible.
been fired
been in a fist fight - Please, I am such a cupcake. Although there was the time that some girl clawed my face for allegedly stealing her boyfriend. She got thrown out, I went back to my Alabama Slammer, the boyfriend in question (Hi, Mike!) got dumped the next day. Not much of a fight, really.
snuck out of your parent's house - Sorry, Mom!
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - Every boy I fell in love with in junior high.
been arrested - Not technically arrested. Let's call it "officially reprimanded".
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend - Probably, but not recently.
skipped school
seen someone die
had a crush on one of your internet friends
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
purposely set a part of yourself on fire - Excuse me? Do people do that?
eaten sushi - I'm gagging a little bit just thinking about it. I have a thing about texture.
been jet-skiing - Absolutely not. Water is bad.
met someone in person from the internet
been moshing at a concert
taken pain killers
loved and missed someone
made a snow angel
had a tea party
flown a kite - My Uncle Mickey is a kite-flying genius!
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping - Not as an adult, anyway.
played dress up
jumped in a pile of leaves
gone sledding
cheated while playing a game - I'm too competitive. It's not winning if you cheat.
been lonely
fallen asleep at work or school - I can barely fall asleep at home, in bed, with all the lights out.
used a fake ID - Just once. Then I realized that you don't need ID if you're a young, semi-attractive girl.
watched a sun set
felt an earthquake
touched a snake - Also known as the TKE fraternity house mascot, Apollo!
slept beneath the stars - That sounds suspiciously like some form of camping.
been robbed
been misunderstood - Oh, God, constantly.
petted a reindeer/goat - My Uncle Bob had a farm, goats included. They were mean, although not as mean as the chickens.
won a contest - Perhaps you have not noticed that I do not have what anyone would consider an abundance of good luck?
run a red light/stop sign - What, those aren't optional after midnight?
been suspended from school
been in a car accident - Three times that I can remember, thankfully none of them serious.
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - Hasn't everyone?
had deja vu
danced in the moonlight
liked the way you looked at least at one point in time
witnessed a crime - Only fashion crimes, but I've witnessed lots of those. And, to be honest, I've been the victim too. I was born in the 70's, after all. I've had the Dorothy Hamill 'do & 80's mall hair, worn plaid bell bottoms and rubber bracelets (not together, thank God for small favors). We should all just be thankful that I didn't have a mullet at any time.
been obsessed with Post-It notes - With . . . what? Is that seriously a common obsession?
squished barefoot through the mud - Ew. Do you not know me at all?
been lost - I actually have a pretty good sense of direction, but a few years ago, Chris & I got lost every time we tried to leave the tri-county area. I think we were too busy talking to pay attention to the road signs.
been on the opposite side of the country - California, once as a baby & then again in high school.
swam in the ocean - Water = bad, remember? I love the beach though.
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons - several times over the holidays, actually. Did you know that Crayola now makes a shade of orange called macaroni & cheese that is exactly the color of Kraft mac & cheese?
sung karaoke - No, & "you're welcome" to everyone who never had to hear me sing a drunken, off-key rendition of Margaritaville.
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn't - Oh, yeah. I break my own rules all the time.
made prank phone calls - What do pre-teens do with their free time now that there's caller ID?
laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose
caught a snow flake on your tongue - Not really sure that would be something that would stand out in my memory.
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend
watched the sun rise with someone you care about - That would probably require getting up early, right?
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
laughed so hard you pee your pants
cheated on a test
been kissed by someone you didn't like - And yet for some strange reason married.
gone skinny dipping in a pool - Haven't I mentioned how much I hate water?

Your turn! (Anthony & Mary, this means you!)

Edited to add: I tagged Melissa too; she never fails to amuse me & her life is considerably more interesting than mine. (Which isn't any great feat, but still.) While you're there, make sure to check out this post, which makes me want to move to Wisconsin & beg Missy to become my BFF so I can hang out on a bar stool next to her. In a non-stalkerish sort of way.

Tips

2006-12-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

I am the only one who bothered to show up for work today. As a result, I have spent the better part of my morning answering the phone, which, as I have mentioned before, is never a good thing. However, this glimpse into the psyche of the Public At Large has induced me to share the following with you:

Tips for the Home-Buying Public

(& Others Who Have Irritated Me Today)

If you call a business for information, it would seem wise to have a writing implement within arm's-reach, or at least within a quarter-mile radius. It is entirely possible that the Nice Lady who answers the phone may have another line or three ringing and may not be able to wait for FIVE FULL MINUTES for you to find a pen. Strangely, she also may not care that you are irritated about being put on hold.
If you do not have a writing implement & decide to enter a phone number directly into your cell phone, perhaps you may want to warn the Nice Lady you are speaking with so that you do not permanently damage her middle ear with the 130-dB key strokes.
Similarly, please turn off the television / radio / power tools before making a phone call. Not only is the background noise deafening, the Nice Lady on the other end of the phone does not particularly enjoy having you scream at the top of your lungs into her ear.
When calling a real estate office, please try to have at least a general idea where the property you're calling about is located. Believe it or not, we have more than one property listed with our company. (Oh, yes, I have had clients actually say to me, "Oh, you have more than one listing?") It is very difficult to ascertain which property you are referring to based on "Um, yeah, it's a white house near where the Quik-E-Mart used to be."
I understand that the Public At Large has a compulsive and pervasive need for Instant Gratification, and that you are, of course, The Most Important Person on the Face of the Earth. However. It might be prudent to make an appointment to view a property rather than calling the agency once you are already sitting in front of said property and being stunned that there isn't anyone available to show it Right This Very Second. I understand that waiting an hour for someone to clear their schedule and drive 40 miles out of their way for you is simply unthinkable. Obviously, we should have Realtors stationed at all 200+ properties, just in case an interested party should happen by. We apologize for our lack of foresight.
If, for some reason, you do find yourself in front of a listed property and cannot wait for someone to show you the property, please do not cuss at the Nice Lady on the phone who will not give you the lockbox code so you can just let yourself in. That's what's known as a "no-no" in this business, as well as a huge insurance liability.
Also, if you have received a notice that you are going to be evicted from your home, please do not call and cry to the Nice Lady at the real estate office that will eventually be listing the property. Neither she nor anyone else at the company has any control over the situation. And while she sympathizes with you and agrees that the timing is unfortunate, and she's sure that you fully intended to "get back on track" after the holidays, the fact remains that you have not paid your mortgage for the past 19 months, you have received innumerable notices from the bank that now owns your property and surely you could have guessed this was coming.
"Ax" (or "axe", as you prefer) is a tool used for chopping wood, not a verb meaning "to question". Please make a note of it.
By the same token, "I seen" is never, ever correct. The proper past tense conjugation of the verb "see" is as follows, repeat after me: I saw, you saw, he saw, we saw, they saw. Notice a pattern? Not that difficult, is it?
If you call & ask to speak to the person in charge of, oh let's say insurance, and upon speaking to this person, do not get the response that you would have liked (i.e., thank you but we are quite happy with our coverage at this time and do not plan on switching to another provider), it will not help you to say, "Well, darlin' maybe I should speak to the man in charge." Because the Nice Lady will likely respond, "Maybe you should, but since the man 'in charge' does not, in fact, run the company, but I do, you have now guaranteed that we will never, ever use your company. Darlin'."
And finally, Realtors, please do not think that because you have been in the real estate business 25 years that you can call another real estate office and demand information that it is inappropriate, unethical &, in some cases, downright illegal for you to have. The Nice Lady there does not care how long you have been a Realtor, although she is stunned that you still have your license.

By the way, "Nice Lady" is shorthand for "Formerly Nice Lady Who Is Now Disgusted and Weeping for the Public At Large".

In other news, I spoke to the Realtor who is (supposedly) selling our house. During the course of conversation, she remarked that she wished that this would close before the end of the year (just a few days away, in case you hadn't noticed). Since we still don't have a place to go once this does close, I was not very excited about that prospect. I wasn't too concerned about it though, since the appraisal hasn't even been scheduled yet. Good thing I didn't waste the time worrying. I just called the loan officer who is handling their mortgage to find out if we were on schedule for closing. He didn't even know what the contract closing date was since he never received a copy of the contract, which is required to schedule the appraisal and move forward with financing. AND the contract is in the wrong name, which pretty much makes it null and void anyway. So. Have I mentioned how much I love Realtors?

Happy Christmas to All

2006-12-22T14:26:00.000-05:00

And to all, a Good Night!

Feast #123

2006-12-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
What is one of your Christmas traditions?
Baking Christmas cookies with my mom. And then, cleaning my kitchen (flour on the cabinets, icing on the floor . . . ) after my mom goes home. She's a messy baker!

SOUP
Who is the easiest person on your list to buy presents for?
Chris, definitely. I always run out of money before I run out of ideas!

SALAD
What is your favorite Christmas scent?
Gingerbread.

MAIN COURSE
If you could give a fellow blogger a Christmas gift, who would it be
and what would you give them?
Mary. I would like to give her contentment in all things (job, men, family, etc.).
God, that's going to be hell to wrap.

DESSERT
What's something on your Christmas wish list this year that you need
(not just want)?
For my house to sell! ::fingers still crossed::

Join the Feast!

I Are Smart

2006-12-21T23:36:00.000-05:00

Just in case you continue to think that I am doing something productive when I am not posting on this blog, I hope this puts that rumor to rest . . .

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

You paid attention during 97% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Create a Quiz

Let me just say that this is unequivocally untrue. I paid attention during 75% of high school, max. You should also know that I attract Yuppies, I am a socialite partier (yeah, I don't know what that means either) & I have virtually no accent. With all of that decided, I guess I can sleep now. 'Night!

Brought to You By the Letter "R"

2006-12-19T09:20:00.000-05:00

As I may have mentioned, we finally have an accepted contract on our house. What we do not have is a place to live two months from now or anything packed or really any definite plans for the future. So you (being ever so much smarter than me) would think that obviously I spent the weekend house hunting or packing or something similarly ambitious. And I would like to tell you that's exactly what I did. But I would totally be lying. Because what I actually did this weekend was spend an absurd amount of time looking at paint chips for our fictitious new home (Seriously, why? And on a Friday night too. Could we be any more pathetic?), rent painfully bad movies & get the cats looped on 'nip. Oh, and we opened Christmas presents.

Aside: This is why we're the perfect couple. Neither one of us could stand it anymore, so we agreed that we can open one every day until Christmas. And to think, the first year we were dating, he was horrified that I wanted to open presents on Christmas Eve: it's not Christmas yet, the world as we know it will end if we open presents before Christmas morning, blah blah blah. I am more from the "we're adults & we can open presents whenever we want to" school of thought. (Extra points if you know what movie that's from!) Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Yeah, so anyhoo . . . you may have noticed that I'm even more scatty than usual. I'm afraid coherent thought continues to elude me. Which is why I am so thankful to the delightful & amusing Metalia for sharing this meme, & assigning me the letter "R", & thus enabling me to avoid doing anything productive for a while longer. (A long while because, damn, this is harder than you'd think. Or maybe that's my severely compromised focusing skills surfacing again.) In any case, here it is:

10 Things I Love That Start With the Letter R

Reading. I will read anything, from the classics to bestsellers to trash. (Anyone else have a guilty People habit?) I recently discovered Augusten Burroughs (I know, where have I been?) & I've also been reading a lot of Anne Tyler lately. I just finished Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper, which was amazing and shattering and horrible and wonderful.
Research. In case you weren't completely certain, let me assure you: I am a tremendous dork. I love searching for information, discovering new facts, compiling lists. I even used to enjoy writing briefs in my pre-law classes. (Don't tell anyone. That might make me the Queen of Dorkdom.) My dream job is writing the questions for Trivial Pursuit. Oh, God, I am the Queen of Dorkdom.
Redecorating. I can't wait to decorate & personalize our as-yet-undiscovered new home! I guess that was obvious when I said I spent Friday night looking at paint samples.
Relaxing. I am a Very Big Fan of sitting around & doing nothing. Unfortunately, I am not very good at it & tend to ruin the experience by thinking of all the things I "should" be doing. It helps if I add a large glass of . . .
Reisling. Yum! My favorite kind of wine, except maybe Gewurztraminer. But that's a lot harder to say after a few glasses, so it's best to stick with Reisling. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out a way to make "champagne" start with an "R".
Ravioli, rigatoni, rotelli, radiatore. Okay, any kind of pasta. I am a good Italian girl.
Romeo & Joliet by OPI. A luscious, deep, dark merlot, this is my current favorite polish, especially for pedicures. OPI has gorgeous colors that last forever; I rarely use anything else. My other faves are Mmm . . . Vould You Like a Lick-tenstein?, Smokin' in Havana & Skinny Dip'n Lake Michg'n. My other dream job would be coming up with OPI polish names.
Redken Align Ultra-Straight Balm. Makes my curly hair straight, shiny & frizz-free. Which makes me happy. Now if I could just get someone to come over & blow it out straight for me every couple of days. (Hey, Mom, that was a hint!)
The Ref. Love, love, LOVE this movie, every single snarky second. This is my go-to movie when the saccharine sweetness of the season threatens to overwhelm me.
Rear Window. Hitchcock's best. Grace Kelly is glorious, although I never could understand why she was so hung up on Jimmy Stewart anyway.

If you want to join the party, just let me know & I'll give you a letter!

It IS a Christmas Miracle!

2006-12-15T15:25:00.000-05:00

We have (cue drumroll, please) an accepted contract on our house! I have never been so relieved in all my life. Of course, this is still contingent on inspections, financing, yada yada yada & we still have to take an obscene amount of cash to closing & we have no idea where, exactly, we are going to live if it does actually sell . . . but I am totally ignoring those realities right now. Right now, it is enough that we have an accepted contract.

And, as if that wasn't enough excitement for one day, then I found this. Hee. But here's a tip: do not shave the Yeti* if there is a chance that a co-worker will stop by your office & witness you doing it. Especially if your co-workers already have reason to question your sanity. Yeti shaving is apparently not acceptable in mixed company.

* This is not a euphemism! Check out the link, & be sure to wait for the show after he's shaved. Again: hee. Have I mentioned I am easily amused?

Unbelievable

2006-12-15T12:27:00.000-05:00

This . . . is a joke, right? I mean, it cannot possibly be serious. Surely he cannot be suggesting that if you give your little boy soy formula, he will grow up to be a homosexual with a small penis.

Stuff like this makes my head hurt.

Feast #122

2006-12-15T10:05:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
What was your very first job with a paycheck?
I think it was at a jewelry store in the mall at Christmas time. And thus began my lifelong aversion to Christmas music & the mall in December.

SOUP
Did you ever lose something really important to you?
Considering the fact that I seem to be losing everything lately (including my mind), the answer will be a surprise: no. Of course there are possessions that I cherish, but as long as I have my friends & family, I consider myself lucky. The most important things I have lost were not "things".

SALAD
What is the best Christmas present you ever received?
Hopefully, it will be this year: a new house & moving forward with our lives. That's if we actually get an accepted contract on our house today. ::fingers crossed::

MAIN COURSE
Tell about a favorite "hang out" place for you and your friends
when you were in high school.
The Sigma Chi house at the local university. I guess we liked older men.
I have to assume that my mom didn't know about this.

DESSERT
Name something that always brings a smile to your face.
Oh, I can name lots of things!
My husband, my cats, lunch with my mom, our nieces & nephews, Eddie Izzard,
Get Fuzzy, Love Actually, Best in Show, Coupling (the original BBC version),
a day off, new shoes, going to the beach . . . I could go on & on!

Join the Feast!

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

2006-12-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

As in real life, I don't swear much on this blog. But sometimes, there are situations that call for it.

This is one of those times.

I just spent the last two fucking hours waiting for the damn phone to ring with some sort of news about our house. "What if they decide to keep looking? What if they decide they don't want to buy at all? What am I going to do if we don't get a contract? I will kill someone if I have to spend another year at this job . . . " and similarly helpful thoughts kept swirling through my mind. By 2 o'clock, my stomach was in knots, my head was throbbing & I was certain the deal had completely fallen apart. I was carrying my cell phone with me wherever I went, including the bathroom, where I threw up. Twice. I suppose I should be grateful the Realtor didn't call then. Or, at least, she should be.

When I finally did talk to her, approximately 15 minutes ago, she told me that, after rescheduling their appointment multiple times throughout the afternoon, her buyer finally called to tell her that "the cable guy is running late" & the appointment would have to be rescheduled for tomorrow.

So, yes, I get to repeat this little drama all over again tomorrow. Joy. I'm sure there is some lesson that I should be learning from this, like not to waste your time worrying about something that may or may not happen & that you have no control over anyway, or some such crap. But I swear to you, if anyone even thinks of suggesting such a thing to my face, I will vomit on them. Jesus, Mary & Joseph, won't this ever end*?

* Note to Mom: this is starting to seem like our excruciating, interminable trip to Connecticut. Minus the turbulence, buffalo farm and visits to the hospital. I suppose for that, at least, I should be grateful.

Still Waiting

2006-12-14T12:54:00.000-05:00

It's 12:54 pm. The Realtor was meeting with her buyers at noon, supposedly for them to sign the paperwork. Somewhere, strangers are sitting around a table with our future in their hands. I am dying a little bit every second. Please please please buy our house . . .

How Little It Takes to Make Me Happy

2006-12-13T17:03:00.000-05:00

Considering the fact that I STILL don't know what the hell is going on with my house, it has been a surprisingly delightful day. (Continued as a list because lists make me happy &, as I keep telling you, it's All About Me.)

As soon as I got to work, I was pulled into a pointless meeting with my boss & one of my co-workers, which basically involved sitting in a comfy wing chair, nodding & adding the occasional "mm-hmm" & "absolutely", & which allowed me to mentally compile a list of everything I need to do this weekend & completely avoid any kind of actual work for well over an hour.
Then I had an even more pointless, but infinitely more entertaining, conversation with my friends from the non-profit organization downstairs about Dr. 90210, Britney Spears & the state of Tori Spelling's breasts. (Oooh, there'll be some interesting hits on the stat counter from that phrase!)
Co-worker Karen practically kissed the UPS guy, who delivered a huge Harry & David gift basket this morning. Of course we had to eat a few of the Bing Cherry Chocolates right away. You know, in case they were, um, stale or something. Okay, I don't recall the exact reason, but I'm sure there was one. (Other than "no willpower".)
Oh, and then - and this is like the Best. Thing. Ever. - I was instructed by my boss to spend the rest of the morning shopping online with his credit card. !!!!! It's like a dream! A happy, sparkly shopping dream! Well, in the dream, I'm sure I would be shopping for myself, or at least people that I actually like. Instead, I was buying Christmas gifts for various work associates, which isn't nearly as much fun. But still! Getting paid to shop & using someone else's money? Pretty much my dream job. God knows I've been training for it my whole life.
I also went to lunch with my mom & my aunt, two of my most favorite people in the world. Impromptu lunches like this will be one of the few things I truly miss if we ever move. Plus I had smashed yukon gold potatoes, which were scrumptious.
When I came back from lunch, a package from Sephora was waiting for me. Woo hoo! I love love LOVE receiving stuff in the mail, & I am a hard core product junkie, so this was very exciting. Especially since, if we do sell our house, we will officially be poor, so trips to Sephora will be few & far between.

The Realtor is meeting with the prospective buyers tomorrow at noon. So, hopefully, by this time tomorrow, we will have an accepted purchase agreement on our house. We will still have to take an obscene amount of money to closing, but I have decided to look at it as an investment in our future. If this is what it takes to move past this & start the next phase of our lives, it will be money well spent. Besides, my stomach can't take any more of this indecision. Just a few more hours . . .

Waiting

2006-12-12T14:06:00.000-05:00

This is the seventh day of negotiations pertaining to the sale of our house. We still do not have an accepted contract. The buyers refuse to come up on their offer & cannot seem to understand why we are therefore unable to give them every little thing their heart desires, such as appliances, custom-made window treatments, custom-cut mirrors & a home warranty. You would think that it would be enough that they're buying the house for over $10,000 less than the appraised value, but apparently not.

So here we are. Waiting. "Anxiety" doesn't even begin to cover it. I have consumed copious amounts of chocolate & wine & taken innumerable bubble baths, & I just ended up sort of nauseous & distinctly shriveled. So I've completely given up & am now just taking showers & popping Tums. (To be quite honest, I don't think Tums actually help to control the vats of acid churning up from my stomach, but I have consumed so much calcium in the past week, it's probably virtually impossible for me to break a bone.) On the plus side, I think I have actually lost weight in the past week. Yippee. I'm too miserable to even care. The people who have advised me not to get completely stressed out over this neglected to mention exactly how I was supposed to accomplish it. I am open to suggestions.

No Thought Required

2006-12-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

I am completely obsessed with real estate-related matters right now (which, believe me, NO ONE wants to hear about), so rather than write an actual post that requires things like sentence structure and coherent thought, things I am quite frankly unable to generate right now, I'm going to jump on the meme bandwagon provided by Melissa & my sister-in-law, Kim.

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate, with extra points for marshmallows, whipped cream, cinnamon or amaretto. I try egg nog every year because it seems like something I would like, creamy & nutmeg-y & bourbon-y, but somehow, it's just . . . not good.
Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? In our family, if it's not wrapped, it's not a present! Everything gets wrapped, even the stocking stuffers.
Colored lights on tree / house or white? White everywhere except the tiny tree in our bedroom, which has colored lights.
Do you hang mistletoe? I used to, but I haven't for the past few years. I haven't noticed a lack of kissing without it!
When do you put your decorations up? Usually the week before Thanksgiving. Chris starts talking about decorating immediately after Halloween & that's normally as long as I can hold him back.
What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Pasta, made by both my mom & mother-in-law. Both of them make huge, amazing Italian feasts for Christmas dinner & everything is insanely delicious. I always eat too much.
Favorite holiday memory as a child? Christmas at Nana's house with my entire extended family.
When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What do you mean?? Is there something about Santa that I should know? Honestly, I have no recollection. I obviously wasn't traumatized by the revelation.
Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Absolutely. Are you kidding? I can barely wait that long!
How do you decorate your Christmas tree? A mix of ornaments that Chris & I had before we met, plus ones that we bought together. No theme of any kind, but every ornament has a history.
Snow! Love it or Dread it? Dread. I deeply & totally hate snow.
Can you ice skate? No, & with my aversion to cold (as well as to falling down), I have no desire to learn.
Do you remember your favorite gift? The Barbie Town House was a big hit when I was seven. Now, I love everything that Chris buys me, both because he puts so much thought into his choices & because he's so excited to give them to me. My favorite gift that I gave to someone was the quilt we gave to my cousin Art when he was undergoing treatment for cancer. Each square was designed by a friend or family member, including some people he had lost touch with after high school. He was totally surprised and overwhelmed. It was a great moment & I love that we were able to do that for him.
What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Being with my family & making new traditions with Chris.
What is your favorite holiday dessert? Cannoli, fudge, pie . . . there isn't a whole lot that I don't like, unfortunately.
What is your favorite holiday tradition? Decorating the tree with Chris & baking Christmas cookies with my mom.
What tops your tree? A large stained glass star that's so heavy, Chris has to wire it to the tree so it won't tip over.
Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? I can't lie, I love getting presents. But I like giving them a little bit more. I love finding the perfect gift!
What is your favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night is my favorite traditional song. Non-traditional, I like Please Come Home for Christmas.
Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yum! Especially if you're using it to stir a cup of hot chocolate. But they have to be the traditional red-and-white peppermint ones, none of this multicolored, fruit-flavored nonsense.

Your turn!

Brrrrrrrrrrrr

2006-12-08T16:48:00.000-05:00

According to The Weather Channel, the temperature outside is currently 20°, but it "feels like 6°".

SIX.

DEGREES.

Do you think there's any chance that's an error or a joke or something?

Feast #121

2006-12-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
Which language would you like to learn and why?
Italian. I'm half Italian & I've always wanted to be fluent in the language.
I think it's beautiful.

SOUP
What's the funniest thing you've heard or read so far this week?
I just finished Augusten Burroughs' Possible Side Effects.
I read constantly but rarely find anything as funny as the book jacket promises.
This had me laughing out loud more than once.

SALAD
Which movie was so bad you couldn't watch the whole thing?
For some reason, I apparently lack the ability to turn a bad movie off / walk out. I always hope that the movie is somehow going redeem itself in the last five minutes. (Hasn't happened yet.) And since Chris seems to actively seek out the absolute worst programming on television at any given time, I spend an inordinate amount of time watching truly horrid movies.

MAIN COURSE
If there were a holiday in your honor that didn't use your actual name,
what would the day be called?
Smitten Kitten Day. Seriously, it's after midnight, I have no idea what I'm saying
& I couldn't possibly care less what it's called, as long as I get the day off.
Edited to add: champagne & chocolate also required.
Thanks to Blaine for reminding me!

DESSERT
Name one movie which is coming out soon that you would like to see.
Nothing immediately comes to mind. The Pursuit of Happyness, maybe. Or The Holiday. It's been a while since I've seen a chick flick & this one has the added bonus of Jude Law eye candy. Wait, doesn't George Clooney have a new movie coming out? Mmmmmm, love The Clooney. The Good German it is!

Join the Feast!

Found

2006-12-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

In my post-offer haze, I almost forgot to tell you my really exciting news, which totally beats out we-got-an-offer-on-our-house-today-well-sort-of-yeah-okay-not-really. Are you ready?

Are you sure? You might want to prepare yourself 'cause this is exciting stuff. Okay, here it goes . . .

I found my sunglasses!

Aren't you excited? Me too! In fact, I was so excited, I may have actually said the words "Woo hoo!" out loud. I want to go on record that I still believe that the cats are behind this. Because I found my glasses in the top drawer of the linen cabinet this morning. Which, first of all, is not exactly a normal place for one to keep one's sunglasses. And second, I am in & out of this drawer several times a week. And yet, today, suddenly, there they were! Nestled in between the hairdryer (which I just used last night, by the way) and the Aveda travel kit, right next to the extra tube of toothpaste that I just put in there last weekend. So, it had to be the cats, right? I'm not sure how they got around the whole lack-of-opposable-thumbs thing, but clearly they did. Because the only other option is that I have completely & totally lost what was left of my mind. And obviously that can't be it.

A Christmas Miracle (sort of)

2006-12-06T16:16:00.000-05:00

I spent all of Monday channeling my inner twelve-year-old, willing my phone to ring, only to have my hopes destroyed when it wasn't who I wanted it to be. (Looking back on it, I can't even remember who my twelve-year-old self could have been waiting for. Mary, do you remember? Who was The One in seventh grade? Fortunately, by the end of high school, I became smart enough to discontinue the whole waiting-by-the-phone thing. Honestly, what the hell was I waiting for?) ANYWAY, the Realtor finally called yesterday to set up a second showing for this afternoon. And, after spending nearly an hour in the house with the Realtor, her prospective buyer and his dad - bribing them with chocolates & freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies, I might add - we have an offer. Oh yes, you read that right, AN OFFER!

Except . . .

(Oh come on, you knew that was coming.)

It is a low offer. Very low. Not as low as the ones we've had from investors that just want to flip it, but still very, very low. The house is already listed for less than what I paid for it, and ultimately, we'll end up losing about $20,000 if we accept this offer. And that thought, quite literally, makes me nauseous. So I'm going to figure out exactly how much money we'd have to take to closing to get out of this & then I'm going to stop thinking. I'm going to go home & watch Without a Trace reruns, eat something incredibly bad for me & drink some of the wine we bought over the weekend. And I guess a looooong bubble bath couldn't hurt. And maybe after that I will feel better equipped to make this decision. Or maybe I'll just feel drunk & pruney & even more nauseous. At least I have a plan.

Hallelujah

2006-12-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

They love it. Thank God & St. Joseph, they LOVE it. I left the house for 40 minutes, & when I came back, the Realtor and the buyers were just sitting in the dining room, "soaking up the love". Yeah, I don't know what that means either but THEY LOVE IT. The Realtor told me to expect an offer some time on Monday or Tuesday, after they meet with their loan officer. It's going to be a loooooong weekend.

Feast #120

2006-12-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
Have you ever flown in a helicopter?
No. I've heard it's very loud, so I'm not sure how much I'd enjoy it.

SOUP
What color is your warmest coat or jacket?
Ivory. Not very practical! I also have winter coats in black (three!), camel, green, grey & red. We won't even discuss how many spring jackets I have.
Hi, my name is Shawn & I'm coat-aholic.

SALAD
What is your favorite rainy day activity?
Oh, you mean like today?? Staying home, curled up in a blanket with the cats snuggled next to me, drinking hot cider / cocoa / tea, watching movies or reading a really good book. Sometimes I talk Chris into playing Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly.
God, I'm boring.

MAIN COURSE
Describe your hands.
Small, usually cold, always manicured.

DESSERT
If you could eat only one nut for the rest of your life, what nut would you pick?
Pecans. They're so versatile (great as a snack, in desserts & to cook with), it would take me a long time to get tired of them.

Join the Feast!

Real Estate Update

2006-11-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

The very first thing I am going to do if I ever win the lottery (which I don't play, but that's neither here nor there) is hire a maid. Well, after I quit my job, of course. And buy a Kennedy-esque compound by the ocean for my friends & family to stay in. And visit Tiffany. And Coach. But after that . . . definitely a maid. We spent six hours cleaning Tuesday night. Poor Chris returned home after five days out of town and was greeted with "take all of your crap right up to the attic" & then had a mop thrust into his hand. Kisses! Love you! So we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. And cleaned. And then we cleaned some more. I swiffered and scrubbed and forbid the cats from using their litter boxes. I dusted the plants. I cleaned so hard, I somehow managed to twist my ankle while vacuuming. No, really.

And, according to the Realtor and prospective buyers, it was worth it. The house, they said, is gorgeous. They used words like "immaculate" and "well-kept" and "beautiful". I can't imagine why it hasn't sold, the Realtor said. We love it, the buyers said.

Except . . .

Why why WHY is there always an "except"? This time, the buyers are concerned about the roof, which, although it does not leak, will probably need replaced within 5 years or so. (Per a certified home inspector.) As any homeowner knows, ANY home you buy will need something major repaired or replaced within the first few years after purchase. And in our price range, the chance of finding a home that doesn't need some kind of work done to it is slim or none. Which will hopefully become apparent to these buyers as they continue to view homes.

So a bit of a disappointment, but we have another showing scheduled for tomorrow. This one is with people who have ACTUAL MONEY, or so I've been told. And, remarkably, I am still strangely optimistic. If you know me IRL (which would be all four of you that actually read this), you know that optimism is not a natural state of mind for me. To say the least. Maybe my subconcious or a higher power is trying to tell me something. Maybe poor St. Joseph, currently buried upside down in my back yard, wants to be dug up before the snow falls. Maybe it's the influence of the Christmas season or the Christmas wine. Maybe Chris has finally given up & is now lacing my Earl Grey with Zoloft. Either way, I am doing my best to just enjoy this newfound state of enlightenment. I am still enough of a pragmatist to know that this feeling cannot possibly last.

I Am Way Too Easily Amused

2006-11-28T14:08:00.000-05:00

God bless the person who designed this site. It's even better than Lite Brite & penguin cams for non-blogging procrastinating-at-work holiday entertainment. Although I would advise that you giggle a bit less than I did. It is awfully hard to convince co-workers that you find real estate (or lesson plans or spreadsheets or whatever) tremendously amusing. Fortunately, my co-workers are sort of used to me and are generally happy if I am not threatening to chuck my stapler at them. Happy pimping!

Hope Springs Eternal

2006-11-27T19:26:00.000-05:00

That Alexander Pope sure knew what he was talking about.

I just scheduled a showing on our house for Wednesday. In case I haven't mentioned it before (you wish), it has been on the market for 333 days. We've had roughly 902 showings, approximately two of those to people with the ability & intention of actually purchasing a property. So you would think that I'd be rather jaded at this point, wouldn't you? That's apparently because you are a normal person. Unlike me. Because I am all excited about this damn showing & sure that this one will be The One, the showing that brings us a viable offer. Be assured that this feeling of optimism is in no way based on any kind of fact. The prospective buyers haven't even been preapproved and may need to sell their present home to buy ours. And the Realtor showing it is, well, questionable. (Which sounds so much better than shady-as-hell.) Of course you know that if he manages to sell our house, he will be my Most Favorite Person in the Whole Wide World.

Now I have to go so I can figure out where to put the colossal amount of Christmas-related paraphernalia (presents, boxes, wrapping paper, etc.) currently residing in our computer room. Think happy thoughts for us!

Greetings from The Thanksgiving Queen

2006-11-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Is it bad manners to wear your crown to the table?

Feast #119 (finally!)

2006-11-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
Have you ever changed a flat tire by yourself?
No. I don't drive &, besides, isn't that why God made AAA?

SOUP
Do you have an "innie" or an "outie" belly button?
Innie. Honestly, outies kind of gross me out.

SALAD
Name a new paint color and describe it.
Glowing Garnet. A deep, rich, luminous red, like this:

I would love this color for my dining room.

MAIN COURSE
What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Decorating the tree with my husband every year. He loves Christmas & his enthusiasm is contagious. And my mom & I try to bake Christmas cookies together every year. My kitchen ends up looking like a bag of flour exploded in it, but it's always fun. Oh, and have I mentioned the bourbon slush tradition? Glorious.

DESSERT
If you were a cookie, what kind of cookie would you be, and why?
I have absolutely no idea. I hate questions like this.

Join the Feast!

Productivity

2006-11-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

Guess what I have been doing for the better part of the afternoon. Go ahead, guess.

Did you guess "diligently working since you will not be in the office for the rest of the week"?

Or how about "starting the project that is due on Monday so that the looming deadline doesn't bite you in the ass next week"?

Or even just "something productive", how about that?

Did you guess any of these? Because, if so, you would be so wrong.

Instead, I have spent the past 3, whoops, I mean 4 (holy cow, it's 4 o'clock already?) hours watching the penguin & sea otter cams at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, playing Lite Brite & reading blogs. (A big thank you to Teacher Lady, who shared that some Target stores have Starbucks inside the store, Holy Mother of God, how did I not know about this before?? More importantly, why doesn't my Target have one?) Oh, & I put up the office Christmas tree, a 7' tall fiber-optic monstrosity that makes me think of the Linus line from A Charlie Brown Christmas: "This really brings Christmas close to a person." I also discovered a recipe for a pumpkin pie milkshake which I fully intend to make as soon as I get home, so as far as I am concerned, that was 4 hours well spent.

I may change my mind by Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As Requested

2006-11-20T13:30:00.000-05:00

Nana's Cream Puff Recipe

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup room temperature butter (real butter, not margarine)
1 cup water
1 cup WELL SIFTED flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 eggs

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. HAVE ALL INGREDIENTS READY. Bring butter & water to a boil. As it comes to a full boil, add sifted flour & salt. Gently stir until it forms a ball, then remove from heat. In a mixing bowl, add eggs ONE AT A TIME to dough. Blend well with hands (or, if it is too hot, use a spoon or other utensil) after each addition. The dough will be sticky; try not to handle it too much. Place in mounds on greased cookie sheet. The size is up to you, but I prefer the size of a golf ball or an egg. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, until the mounds are "puffed up" & golden brown. Let the puffs "dry" in the oven for a few minutes with the heat off. Remove them from the oven & cut a small vent in the side to allow steam to escape. Cool. Using the vent as a starting point, slice three-quarters around & fill. Then just drizzle chocolate or caramel on top & serve!*

*I think these are best served fresh (the same day), but the unfilled puffs can be stored in an airtight container & used for a few days. It's best not to fill them & store in the refrigerator because the puffs will become soggy.

Pudding can be used for a quick & easy filling. Make sure to use whole milk to prepare the pudding. Mix about a cup of Cool Whip in the pudding for a lighter filling. Or fill with custard, Bavarian cream or whipped cream; try searching online, I've found a bunch of variations. The puffs can also be filled with "savory" fillings like tuna, crab, lobster, shrimp or chicken salad. Great for luncheons like wedding & baby showers! My personal "sweet" favorite is this one:

Strawberries & Cream Filling

INGREDIENTS

1 pint strawberries, sliced
1 tablesppon sugar
2 tablespoons Grand Marnier (amaretto works well too)
1 cup heavy or whipping cream
1/4 cup powdered (confectioner's) sugar

Mash half of the strawberries in a small bowl. Add sugar, liqueur & remaining berries. Drain excess juice & set aside for later. In another bowl, beat cream with powdered sugar until stiff. Stir in excess juice. Fold in berry mixture. Spoon filling into puff. Sprinkle with powdered sugar & serve.

Enjoy!

O - H!

2006-11-17T12:21:00.000-05:00

I - O!

Go, Buckeyes!

Feast #118

2006-11-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
Do you believe there is intelligent life on other planets?
Some days, I'm not even sure there's intelligent life on this planet. In any case, I think it would be fairly arrogant to assume that we are the only intelligent life forms in this vast universe. I am at least willing to concede that it is a possibility.

SOUP
What is one thing you said you'd never do, but you eventually did?
Get divorced / get married again. Thank God I never listen to myself!

SALAD
Who is the teacher that influenced you the most in school?
Mr. Moore, my junior high school history teacher. He challenged & engaged us & made history seem fresh & relevant. He was also the first teacher that really made me realize that teachers are people (what a concept!), with lives outside of the classroom. I've had several great teachers, but I learned the most from Mr. Moore.

MAIN COURSE
If you could trade places with anyone for one day, who would it be and why?
Too hard to pick just one! I'm so curious about other people, I would love to experience how they really live. Ultimately, I think the experience would make me even more grateful for my life.

DESSERT
What is your favorite dish to prepare?
Cream puffs. It's the only thing I make that I've never had better anywhere else. Also, they appear complicated & everyone loves them. Except for Chris, but that might be because I forgot to put the filling in his the first time I made them for him. I guess they're not quite as exciting when they're just . . . puffs.

Join the Feast!

Is It Over Yet?

2006-11-14T18:46:00.000-05:00

I know I say this, well, pretty much every week, but God, this week has just kicked. my. ass. It's pretty much been downhill since the Steelers beat the Saints on Sunday. (Thank God for that. If they would have lost, Cleveland would have had a better record and I simply cannot have that.) But anyway, this week.

Monday

Remember The Accident?

The one that happened on my wedding day?

The one where the insurance company (evil State Farm) won't pay for my medical treatment, not because they deny their client's culpability, but because I foolishly attended my own wedding and reception after said accident?

Yeah, that one.

Well, the deposition was scheduled for Monday morning. What a fiasco. I actually made it to the building early, which in & of itself is a minor miracle. However, the doors were locked. All of the doors. I can say this with complete certainty because we walked around the entire building (the length of a city block, in the rain) & through the attached parking garage. We finally made it into the building through the stockroom of the bar next door. I am still curious about why it was open at 9am, but who am I to judge? It's Happy Hour somewhere, right? At least we finally figured out a way into the building. Unfortunately, our excitement was short lived when we discovered that it was vacant. Say it with me, people. Vacant. No people. No elevators. No heat. Just us, a mint green propane tank & what may have been the world's largest rat trap. Oh, yes, I said rat trap. It should also be mentioned that I was with my mom (hi, Mom!), who has a pathological fear of rodents. She wouldn't even watch Stuart Little. (Okay, I know, no great loss, but still.) My attorney, who was driving in from Cleveland, eventually showed up & we figured out where we were supposed to be. (The court reporter's office was moved to a new location across the street, something that you think they would have mentioned to at least one of us when this was set up.) Then we waited for another hour for opposing counsel to show up, which was fun, but, you know, at least this building had heat and plumbing and no apparent rodent infestation. And the defendent was cranky, clueless and defensive, which would seem to be in my favor if we have to go to trial. Also, there's no way you can win if a jinglebell necklace and a sweatshirt with an enormous cardinal on it are your going-to-court clothes. Especially if the plaintiff is wearing Tiffany jewelry and heels and actually did her hair. Those are the rules.

Tuesday

My boss informed me that everyone is getting a raise. Oh, wait, did I say "everyone"? I meant, "everyone but me". But I was the lucky person that got to inform everyone about their raises, so . . . that's almost as good, right? And since I haven't had a raise since July 2005 (and that one was miniscule), the shock might have killed me anyway.

Wednesday

My boss attempted to convince me that the company is going to lose money now that everyone (else) will be making more. (And therefore cannot afford to give me a raise too. He does not attempt to explain to me why I should care.) When I point out that his budget information is flawed, that our commission income is more than double the amount shown & that I make $10,000 less (gross!) than is indicated, & that in fact the company is making a considerable profit, he refuses to discuss it further. He engages a colleague in an extremely non-PC conversation (sometimes I swear I'm working for Archie Bunker), then leaves to set up his brand-new plasma television. Probably responding to the negative energy in the office, my fax / printer refuses to work.

Thursday

A homicidal maniac is on the loose. He is obviously enraged by my lingering Halloween decorations.

This is what greeted me when I came home from work today. Pumpkin seeds are strewn across my entire front porch. Stupid squirrels. But my mom was nice enough to bring me freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies, and I think we may have a solution to the Christmas Conundrum, so today wasn't entirely bad. Maybe there's hope for tomorrow. Or maybe I'll eat enough cookies that I won't care.

Procrastinating

2006-11-14T15:31:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Teacher Lady for providing me with something to do that doesn't involve the towering pile of work on my desk. Note: you can only type one word, no explanations. You have no idea how difficult this was for me.

Yourself: evolving
Your partner: delightful
Your hair: curly
Your mother: amazing
Your father: deceased
Your favorite item: sleep
Your dream last night: elusive
Your favorite drink: champagne
Your dream car: Mercedes
Your dream home: beach
The room you are in: office
Your ex: worthless
Your fear: death
Where you want to be in ten years: content
Who you hung out with last night: Chris
What you're not: perky
Muffins: blueberry
One of your wish list items: house
Time: variable
The last thing you did: delegate
What you are wearing: black
Your favorite weather: summer
Your favorite book: countless
Last thing you ate: pear
Your life: better
Your mood: irritable
Your best friends: treasured
What are you thinking about right now: responsibilities
Your car: beast
What are you doing at the moment: procrastinating
Your summer: fleeting
Relationship status: sublime
What is on your tv: nothing
What is the weather like: gray
When is the last time you laughed: yesterday

Your turn!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2006-11-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

If you've been in any kind of retail establishment in the past few weeks, you're aware that the holidays are right around the corner. I used to look forward to the holidays, especially Christmas. Hanging out with the people I love most in the world; eating my weight in chocolate, cookies & pie; giving & getting presents . . . what's not to like?

I'm sorry to say that those days are gone. Last year, we ate our first Thanksgiving dinner (lunch) at noon, our second at 5 & didn't get home until midnight. In between, we spent 4 hours driving back & forth. I'm not a math whiz, but by my calculations, that makes a third of the holiday spent in the car. Between the traveling & the tryptophan, we were so exhausted, Chris nearly drove off the road. That will wake you up pretty damn quick. For Christmas, we're basically trying to be at four different places in two different states in the space of 24 hours. Oh, & also find time to, you know, sleep & bathe & stuff. And, not to point out the obvious, but we don't have kids yet. Can you imagine the horror of spending a third of the holiday in the car with cranky kids? *shudder*

For the past few years, we've struggled to come up with a solution. Given our close relationships with both of our families, we wouldn't really be happy alternating holidays between them or celebrating alone. It's not practical or reasonable to expect Chris' entire family to drive two hours to come to us (especially when you factor in seven kids, two with strict nap- & bedtimes), or to expect both of our families (roughly 40 people) to be willing to gather in a "central" location, like a restaurant. And, it should be said, no one else is really motivated to deviate from the status quo anyway. They all have the luxury of sleeping in their own beds & traveling within a 20-mile-or-less radius, if at all.

The first Christmas Chris & I spent together, I consoled myself with the thought that we were lucky to have so many places to be when countless people are alone for the holidays. (Which, although true, doesn't make it any less exhausting.) And I would definitely rather have to deal with this little issue than not be with Chris at all, of course. But I also assumed that we would find a way to celebrate with both of our families without making ourselves crazy. In fact, I thought I had a fabulous solution: celebrating the holiday the week before or after. That way, anyone who has other places to be on the holiday can really enjoy that time & not have to rush off to the next place. Plus the added benefit of making the holiday last longer instead of for just one or two days. It's the holiday equivalent of the Birthday Week! Isn't that a spectacular idea? Yes, well, since Chris & I are the only ones who seem to think so, I don't think that's going to happen.

Fortunately, holidays also mean bourbon slush, wine & even-more-than-usual opportunities to drink champagne. Maybe that & the pie will get me through.

Missing

2006-11-09T21:03:00.000-05:00

Remember how, a month or so ago, I was complaining about losing a diamond earring, a brush, dental floss & a pair of pants, all in the space of a week? And then I lost my favorite pair of boots? Well, now, I've lost my favorite pair of sunglasses. In my own house. I know I had them on when I came home Monday night. I know this because I went shopping after work & my hair was in my face & driving me crazy (crazier, more like), but I was too lazy to actually pull a clip or hair band out of my purse, so I just pushed my hair back with my sunglasses. My sunglasses spend the majority of their time on top of my head (see below) or lost, obviously. Anyway, I distinctly remember taking them off because I was going to wash my face & put on my pajamas. What I don't remember (again, obviously) is where the hell I put them. I have completely torn the entire house apart.

What is the matter with me?

Am I really this scatterbrained?

Are the cats stealing random objects & hiding them from me to get back at me for withholding the cat nip?

I'm not sure which thought is more disturbing.

Blue

2006-11-08T09:18:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah!

In Honor of the Election . . .

2006-11-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

I Should've Ordered Pizza

2006-11-02T14:04:00.000-05:00

Two fortune cookies came with my General Tso's today. They read:

Keep your plans secret for now.

and

Someone can read your mind.

Wait, what? Don't they seem to . . . cancel each other out somehow? And I didn't even know I had plans. Does that mean that someone knows about my plans before I do? Or that I should keep my plans secret even from myself? I'm so confused.

It was also quite possibly the worst Chinese food I have ever had.

Today's Happy Thoughts

2006-10-31T15:13:00.000-05:00

Or:
Things To Focus On So I Don't Strangle My Co-Workers

Gingerbread Macadamia Biscotti
the amazing letter Chris wrote to me for our anniversary
Starbucks Pumpkin Bread recipe
unseasonably warm weather
Most Haunted Live

leftover Halloween candy

what I want for Christmas (no idea, actually)

TSO concert this weekend

pants from last winter that still fit

Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee

french fries for dinner

a new episode of ER on Thursday

not working tomorrow
not working tomorrow
not working tomorrow
not working tomorrow
not working tomorrow

Yes, I Know I Need Therapy

2006-10-30T15:33:00.000-05:00

One of my blog friends (if by "friend" you mean someone that you don't actually know & have never met but for some strange reason know intimate details about their personal lives) mentioned that when she's feeling anxious, she calms herself by playing the worst case scenario game. You know, think "what's the worst thing that could happen?" in any given situation & then figure out how you would handle it. I suppose the rationalization is that if you have a plan, it makes you feel more in control of an uncontrollable situation. Or maybe that the "worst thing" isn't all that bad after all. Or something.

It's entirely possible that this helps some people.

Note: some people = not me.

My imagination & capacity for worry are utterly limitless and my worst case scenarios often involve death, dismemberment & financial ruin. My imaginary plans for dealing with these scenarios often involve curling up in the fetal position & hoping it all goes away. (I am a big fan of the Scarlett O'Hara "tomorrow is another day" school of thought.) So, not all that helpful as a planning tool / coping mechanism. That doesn't keep me from playing this game religiously, normally right before I go to sleep at night. Thus ensuring that not only do I have an ulcer, I also have chronic insomnia.

When we put our house on the market (dear God, 305 days ago. three. hundred. and. five. *whimper*), I played the game endlessly. My major concerns were:

we won't be able to find a house within 30 days of receiving a contract on our house and therefore will be homeless once our house is sold.
we won't be able to find a house we can afford in a neighborhood that doesn't make me want to weep or buy a bulletproof vest.
we will find a house that we love in a nice area but it will cost more than the GNP of Belgium.
we will buy said house anyway because otherwise we will be homeless or living in the ghetto. (Cue Elvis: ". . . in the ghetto . . .")
we will have to eat ramen and sell plasma in order to pay our mortgage.
we will have to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to pay our mortgage.
I won't be able to find a job before we move and will have to sell extraneous body parts (are both kidneys really necessary?) to pay our mortgage.
I will find a job that's just as bad as the one I have now & I won't be able to quit (see: GNP of Belgium).
we will never be able to have children because I won't be able to take any time off to actually give birth or afford child care afterwards (see: GNP of Belgium).
we won't be able to find people to help us move.
we will hire a moving company that will either lose all of our belongings or hold everything we own hostage unless we pay some exorbitant sum that was never mentioned in the contract (it happens, I saw it on Dateline).
we will find a house that we can afford in a good neighborhood, everything will be perfect & then the buyers won't be able to close but we'll have already closed on the new house & we'll end up with two mortgages that we can't pay . . . (start GNP of Belgium cycle again).
and on & on & on, until I finally put myself to sleep by naming everything in the room in French. What, you don't do that too?

Notice anything missing from that neurotic yet seemingly comprehensive list? Oh, yeah, that we wouldn't be able to sell the house. At all. Ever. No matter how low we dropped the price (already below the appraised & assessed values, at a significant loss to us) or what we offered (home warranty, inspection, chocolate chip cookies baked fresh for you every week for a year just please please please buy our house!) to make it more attractive to buyers.

So here we are, probably about a month or two away from being hauled back to court by The World's Stupidest Ex-Husband. (Scintillating backstory here.) The worst case scenarios (weeding out the ones that involve death & dismemberment) include being told that a.) we have to relist the house with another agency, which means that we will end up owing even more money if it ever actually sells or b.) the house will be listed for sheriff's auction, whereupon we could end up owing as much as $60,000 and yet having nowhere to live. The best case scenario is that the magistrate will take pity on us (& believe me, I am not above crying in court) and allow us to continue to try to sell the house with my company. Considering the condition of the market, this could continue indefinitely. This would also mean that I would have to continue working at this job, Chris would spend at least 3 hours a day commuting and one of us will eventually spontaneously explode. You can see how there are a few flaws with this option.

I really, really, REALLY try to keep this all in perspective. Chris and I are together; other than this mess, we are happy; we love each other; we're healthy; our families are healthy. I know that if this is the worst thing that ever happens to us, we are amazingly lucky. It's even possible that someday we will look back at this time and laugh. Well, maybe not laugh, but at least it will be in the past & we will have gotten through it. All of which is true but doesn't make the situation any less difficult or frustrating right now. Especially when I have to go home tonight & unpack several boxes of winter clothes that I packed last April in preparation for our impending move. *sigh*

Feast #117

2006-10-27T08:39:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
Create a new candle scent.
Starbucks Vanilla Crème with nutmeg & cinnamon. Or Starbucks Hot Apple Cider. I can't believe Starbucks hasn't come up with this themselves, they sell everything else.

SOUP
Name one way you show affection to others.
I do little things to let people know that I was thinking of them, like leaving notes in my husband's lunch, buying small gifts for my mom or bringing candy for my co-workers.

SALAD
What is your favorite writing instrument?
I love my Tiffany pen. But it was a gift & I'm paranoid about losing it, so it stays on my desk at home. For everyday, I use Pilot retractable gel pens.

MAIN COURSE
If you were given $25 to spend anywhere online, from which site
would you buy?
Sephora, Coach, Zappos, Ann Taylor . . . tough decision. I'd probably shop around for a few days & then end up buying something for someone else!

DESSERT
Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
Not this year, my parents-in-law will be in town & we're going to a hockey game. The last time we took my nieces trick-or-treating, I was a devil, which I'm sure many would find appropriate.

Join the Feast!

This Explains So Much

2006-10-26T14:36:00.000-05:00

Catching a cold could cause memory loss.

What Day Is It?

2006-10-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

The last week has sort of been a blur. This cold / flu / bronchial thing I've had is particularly noxious & persistent. Several times, I've thought that it was clearing up, only to have it return with a vengeance in a new, mutated form the next day. I will assume that you can live without hearing tales of coughing, snot & sleeplessness & just say that I think that there finally may be light at the end of the tunnel because for 2 nights in a row, I've actually been able to sleep lying down. Woo hoo!

Normally, I would try to work from home instead of contaminating my co-workers. (Which is how I got sick in the first place, thanks, Caroline!) However, I had to handle my boss' clients & paperwork as well as my own since his mom was still in the hospital & he was rarely available. Sadly, she died last Wednesday. She was 82, had open heart surgery at the beginning of September & had been in the hospital almost continually for the past two months, so you might think that her death was not unexpected. But 2 months ago, this woman was healthier & more active than I am (which may not be saying all that much, but you get the point). She died because she contracted malaria through a blood transfusion during the heart surgery. Malaria. Malaria not being all that common in this country, she went undiagnosed for weeks while the parasites attacked her organs. As you can imagine, the hospital & local Red Cross have been busy trying to keep this all under wraps & avoid widespread panic over the possibility of a tainted blood supply. The local newspapers & television stations have been covering the story, but because of the "spin" (which sounds so much better than "outright lies") provided by the doctors & other "authorities", the story that's being disseminated is almost completely untrue. Which makes me wonder about the veracity of every other news story being reported.

In happier news, apparently Bijou was just suffering from kitty menopause, or maybe seasonal affective disorder, or maybe it was all just a ploy to get me to feed her deli turkey by hand. In any case, she is finally back to normal. Which means she's carrying Smacky (her velvet mouse) around in her mouth, pretending Lemieux doesn't exist & taking up way too much room in the bed. Strange how I don't mind so much these days.

It's A Boy!

2006-10-25T15:31:00.000-05:00

Here's my newest cousin,
Micah Arthur.

He's obviously as even-tempered as the rest of us.

10.24.2006
7 lbs. 9 oz.

Congratulations, Frank, Heather & Mara!

One

2006-10-21T23:20:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your patience, kindness, humor & intelligence. Thank you for still wanting to marry me after I was too clueless to realize that you had proposed. Thank you for opening the car door for me every time. Thank you for making me grilled cheese sandwiches when I don't feel well. Thank you for answering my incessant "why is that a penalty?" questions when you really just want to watch the game. Thank you for making even trips to the grocery store entertaining. Thank you for killing the really big spiders and disposing of dead mice and scaring away the monsters in my dreams. Thank you for understanding that flowers for no reason at all are the best kind. Thank you for not laughing (out loud) when I cry over something stupid, like an episode of ER. Thank you for thinking that my friends' boyfriends aren't good enough for them. Thank you for ignoring me when I'm in a bad mood & trying to start a fight. Thank you for realizing how much I miss Art. Thank you for knowing my family is warped and crazy and liking us anyway. Thank you for sharing your warped and crazy family with me. Thank you for being there for and with me during the best and worst times of the past three years. Thank you for showing me what it is like to be completely, ridiculously, overwhelmingly in love.

Thank you for finding me, marrying me & being the best part of my day, every day.

Happy 1st Anniversary!

Feast #116

2006-10-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

APPETIZER
What is your favorite beverage?
Bellini. I also like mimosas. Really, anything involving champagne. Non-alcoholic, I prefer water, tea & those mango smoothie things they have at Target.

SOUP
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
Framed photos of my mom & nieces, stainless steel business card holder & a pile (getting bigger every second) of paperwork.

SALAD
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
Eight. I'm a terrible liar, but I'll tell a "white lie" to save someone's feelings.

MAIN COURSE
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
Why would I want to do that? Well, I would kind of like to have a city named
after me. It's all about me. :-)

DESSERT
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
Work. Selling (or, more accurately, not selling) my house. And I hate feeling like I am being forced into something or cornered. My husband is the best calming influence
ever. Even better than shopping & chocolate! (Although that works too!)
A long, hot bubble bath helps too.

Join the Feast!

At Least the Steelers Won

2006-10-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

This week is not starting well. I was sick all weekend & am just now starting to feel a bit better. To give you an idea of how sick I was - I stayed at home on Saturday afternoon rather than go shopping as I had planned. And then, when I managed to actually get off the couch & haul myself to the grocery store, I decided not to get Krispy Kremes. That's right, I TURNED DOWN both shopping and doughnuts. It doesn't get more dire than that. So instead of buying shoes & eating Krispy Kremes, I spent most of the weekend coughing, blowing my nose & cleaning the house for a showing yesterday. (Because isn't cleaning exactly what you want to do when you feel like death on toast?) Oh, and trying to sleep. Between the wracking cough & that whole pesky trying-to-breathe thing, sleep has been even more elusive than usual.

As if all of that weren't bad enough, I think Bijou might be dying. I keep saying that to try to prepare myself for what I'm afraid might be imminent, but I know there's really no way to do that. I really hope that I'm wrong, that she's just going through some kind of phase ("kitty menopause", as Chris suggested). But over the past few days, I've noticed a change in her that mirrors how my first cat behaved right before she died. She just seems to be fading away right in front of us. Since she was adopted from a shelter, I don't know her exact age, but it's been estimated between 12 & 16. I guess that's a pretty good age for a cat, but I was sort of hoping she'd live a little longer. Like forever.